I have been reworking parts of my site lately. Mostly my “What is Sexy by Sarah?” page, but I had thought about removing some of my tags too. I decided that I would remove the ‘feminist’ label from myself because I don’t want to be associated with militant and extreme feminism. It’s the same reason I don’t call myself a Christian anymore, sort of. I still believe in a higher power, I’m just not sure what that power is, so I now call myself an Agnostic. I just got tired of the assumptions thrust upon me when people saw I called myself a Christian.

And there goes the feminist label.

Not because I’ve stopped believing in the equality of women in society, but because I can not be associated with a group where I constantly feel the need to justify my position. I shouldn’t have to feel like I need to separate myself from all of those other feminists because their beliefs are so radical and different from mine.

So, I guess that means I’m not really a feminist.

I despise the term ‘mansplaining’. I think it’s demeaning to men. It’s rude and it’s no different than a man patting a woman on the head and saying “Silly woman, why would you think you deserved to have an opinion?” They’re entitled to their opinions about things too and those opinions aren’t any less valid just because they’ve got a penis. If  they don’t kowtow to your exact line of thinking, they’re dismissed from the discussion. Well, dismissed is actually putting it pretty lightly. They’re actually attacked and relentlessly mocked for daring to set foot into the she-woman man-haters club.

I believe men can be the victims of sexual assault and I think it deserves to be part of the discussion. We always talk about how women are victimized. Something like 1 in 4 women are sexually assaulted in their life time, and those numbers are ‘under-reported’. Then, as an afterthought, we throw in that sometimes men might be sexually assaulted too. Then we continue to use the language that paints the picture that men are predators and women are victims. There isn’t even an attempt to neutralize the discussion. My brother was raped by a man while he walked home from his prom. Violently attacked out of nowhere. There was nothing grey about it. He was dragged down the railroad tracks, away from the main road, with a knife held to his throat and forced to put a penis in his mouth. He was held down and penetrated. But the sexual assaults of men aren’t that big of a deal. Er, at least they don’t warrant being part of the discussion. It pisses me off to see the mention of men being sexually assaulted so casually dismissed, whether it’s a kiss on the neck at a gay bar or a full on violent rape. But we ignore it so we can focus on the finer points of ‘coercive’ rape and blaming other people because we don’t know our limits when it comes to alcohol*.

We talk about social and professional pressures put on women, but when a man voices the pressure he feels from the same areas of his life he gets mocked with “Well, now you know how it feels, huh?” Men deal with similar and different pressure than women deal with, daily. They have to be very, very careful about how they say things to their co-workers or employees lest it be construed as sexual harassment. They can not be in a room alone with a member of the opposite sex. My husband has to wait until a female manager is around before he can write up his employees or fire them because because male management have been accused of false things in the past out of anger. They feel the pressure to look good, make good money, drive a nice car and just be masculine. We forget that when we talk about how hard it is to have to conform to societies standards for women and we whine about being skinnier (or curvier), our clothes, our hair, and having to be more feminine.

Then you wonder why people think that feminists are man-haters. You don’t understand why you’re constantly having to defend your title of feminist against people who think you do. If you don’t hate men, you sure do have a funny way of showing it.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, maybe it’s a duck.

It’s all about perception. While you may fully believe that your message is about empowering women, it’s not coming across that way. Instead of spending so much time having to defend your message against the people who think you must certainly hate men, perhaps it’s time for you to consider changing your message. You should probably start by dropping the word ‘mansplaining’ from your vocabulary.

*When I say ‘not knowing our limits when it comes to alcohol’ I am not saying, or suggesting, that women who drink to the point that they are incapacitated deserve to be raped. I am saying that it’s easier to rape someone who is passed out, and that it’s never safe for anyone to consume that much alcohol in any situation. Not only can you be assaulted when you are in that state, but you may even need to be hospitalized for alcohol poisoning.

I am not saying that women should just avoid drinking all together and never have fun and that they should all just wear burkas and sit home like good little women do. So, before you feel the need to put words into my mouth, should you choose to comment, know that I will not sit here and argue with anyone about things I did not say. Those portions of your comments will be edited out or your comment will be deleted completely if I feel you’re incapable of discussing what I actually said and decided to interject whatever you wanted to hear for the sake of arguing.