Triggers
Posted by Sarahbear on March 22, 2010
A couple of weeks ago I wrote the “Fuck You‘ post. It felt good to get all of that out and I had been free of the bad memories, for the most part, since. I had no urges to check up on The Whore. I’ve been in a really great mood, overall, even though I’ve been dealing with sick kids and just got sick myself.
Last night I read Britni’s post about monogamy. I was fine. The discussion in the comments today has prompted some bad thoughts though. While everyone in our sex-positive blogger community may understand what Mo’nique being in an open marriage means, the average person just stopping by may not.
Is it good to have things that are considered taboo become more mainstream? Yes.
Is it good to get people talking about all the different possibilities for relationships and marriages? Yes.
But we have to be careful about the information we give people. We can not just assume that they are aware of all the same things we are aware of.
When I first became a part of the sex blogging community and the community at EdenFantasys it was directly after my husband’s affair with The Whore. The day I found out about the affair and he was telling me that he loved us both and wanted to continue both relationships. I screamed at him and said “This is not a polyamorous relationship. That is not what I signed up for when I married you.”
I had no idea, at that time, about what exactly had happened over the course of the past two months with the affair. The look on his face though, when I said that, was very telling.
Over the next few days he told me that the reason he looked so shocked when I said that was because that’s exactly what The Whore had suggested. She told him that they should open up their marriages so that they could be together. Neither of them had very much of an idea what an open marriage was. They ignorantly assumed they did simply because they had read a couple of post about it on the EdenFantasys forums. They understood that they could build an emotional relationship with people outside of their marriage. They understood that they could have a physical relationship with another person outside of their marriage. But they didn’t understand the most important factor of all relationships, poly or monogamous, which is communication and honesty.
Her husband knew that she was spending a whole lot of time talking to my husband and planning to meet up with him. He was okay with her doing whatever she needed to do to be happy. Her husband, my husband and she all knew that I had absolutely no idea about the relationship they were having. A truly open marriage (or any marriage/relationship) involves everyone being aware of everything that’s going on. Complete honesty with your partner(s). What they were doing was having an affair, cheating, lying, being deceitful. They were using the label of something okay and acceptable to justify what they were doing.
What they were doing was not an open relationship. It was an affair.
Unfortunately, that mis-labeling followed me around the sex-blogosphere. Every single blog I read about open marriages sent me into angry or depressed states of mind. Since I’ve read and learned more about it, I have a more logical understanding of the label and the concept, but I still have times where it sends me back to that place. This is just another example of how each of our unique experiences will color our opinions on things. It’s also a great example for how necessary it is to be careful about the things we condone. It’s so easy for people to take bits and pieces of information and to use them inappropriately or to take them out of context. It doesn’t and didn’t just happen in my situation. In a situation like Mo’nique’s, it can affect her credibility, her job, her personal life and popularity. It can do the same to people who aren’t as main stream.
My initial impression and opinion of open relationships and the people in them was tainted because of my negative experience. I did eventually learn about what they really are, but not everyone takes the initiative to go a step further and investigate or research the things they see.
*Disclaimer: Yes. I know all relationships take communication and that my situation is purely anecdotal.
Britni TheVadgeWig said,
Your comment on my post makes much more sense now. I didn’t understand why you were assuming that people would hear “open relationship” and just dive in without talking about it, or researching it, or whatever, because we have no way of knowing if that’s the case. Reading this explains a lot, and I understand more why you would feel that way.
I agree with you, that just because Chad, the mistress, and her husband knew and had communicated, because you were not involved, nor had you agreed to this, that it was an affair. That’s not how open relationships work. However, I also stand by what I wrote that discussion and education and shedding light on taboo subjects is necessary, positive, and important. However…
They understood that they could have a physical relationship with another person outside of their marriage. But they didn’t understand the most important factor of all relationships, poly or monogamous, which is communication and honesty.
…I’m sorry, but this seems to be a moronic assumption to make in every sense of the word. Just reading about open relationships in no way means that you don’t have to talk about them with your partner! Who assumes that communication and honesty aren’t the most important factor in any relationship, open or not?
However, in order for Chad to stray (and I know that you did, at one point, too), I’m going to assume that the communication and honesty in your own relationship was lacking in itself, which is something you guys seem to have done an awesome job of rectifying. But… if it’s already missing in the primary relationship, I guess it’s easy to see how the assumption that it could continue to be missing could be there.
That seems like more of a reaction to the state of your own relationship, as opposed to assumptions made based on articles read online, if that makes any sense? I don’t know if I’m articulating correctly, and I hope this doesn’t come across as a criticism (especially because I’m not addressing the relationship you and Chad have *now*, which comes across as very strong and healthy, but discussing what you’ve mentioned was happening at the time of the affair).
Sarahbear said,
I’m glad you can see where I was coming from. =)
Our communication was absolute shit for a long time. We were just co-existing. I am so glad to be able to admit to myself that we were doing something wrong. It’s part of what makes it so much easier for us to communicate now, being able to admit our faults, flaws, and mistakes.
It’s possible that it was a reaction to the state of the relationship, but I feel like there are so many failing relationships that are a result of a lack of communication. Opening up their relationship may seem like an easy out to the people involved in them, but in reality it will likely completely crumble the already cracked foundation. I get that it’s important to talk about these things, increase sex positivity and stop shaming people over their sexual choices. I can just also see the possibility for misuse, which is of course not Mo’nique (or any other celebrity who is public about having an open marriage Kate Hudson? Angelina Jolie? did too right?). It needs to be stressed to people that open relationships involve a very strong relationship with your partner(s), transparency, honesty, communication, and all of the other things that are so important in monogamous relationships. It’s even more important to have those things in poly relationships and it’s harder to do with more people involved.
adriana said,
“It’s so easy for people to take bits and pieces of information and to use them inappropriately or to take them out of context.”
Yes. It is. People forget so easily how understanding (in general) and nonjudgmental the sex blog community is but it is not necessarily an indicator for society at large. I don’t think I would be wrong if I said that the average person in this corner of the internet is mostly well adjusted, mostly intelligent and mostly rational. In fact, I think you sort of have to be to write about your sexual experiences in a way that is educational (ie in reviews).
I once read a study about how smart people overestimate the intelligence of people and, well, I think it’s safe to say that Britni is doing that in her comment. Society at large is not as intelligent as it could be. Common sense is far from common and while she or you or I might do research into open relationships, a limited statement like Mo’niques or a little information from some forums can and will give people some the wrong idea and it is easy for people to think they know everything about a subject when they don’t. Maybe it is a moronic assumption but, guess what? People assume things moronically all the time. That’s sort of life.
Knowledge is a dangerous thing.
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