Acceptance
Posted by Sarahbear on May 24, 2010
Love is Love
I’ve mentioned before that I grew up in a Southern Baptist home. I graduated from high school and moved to a new town the night I walked across that stage, but I took a lot of those values and morals with me. I yelled at one of my best friends for marrying her boyfriend before he deployed while she was only 16 (they’ve been married longer than Chad and I have and are going strong!). I argued all over message boards and forums about how wrong I felt abortion was. Then, when my brother graduated and came out as a homosexual (which honestly was not surprising at all), I told him that he would go to hell. I was truly a piece of work. It wasn’t until I was pregnant before Chad and I got married that I learned to empathize with the people who I had been preaching to all that time. When I was suddenly lumped together with all those other ‘sinners’, I realized what it was to be judged. When my friend’s grandmother accused me of ‘shacking up’ with my future husband. When I tried to take my son to church while Chad was working and I got dirty looks from the people who assumed I was a single mother.
I have come a long, long way from that girl that I was 9 years ago. I’m more compassionate, understanding and sympathetic to all different kinds of people. I’m learning more about sexuality every day. I’ve completely immersed myself in this sex positive community, reading blogs about trangendered individuals, about polyamory, D/s relationships and all of the many wonderful ways a person can enjoy their sexuality. I almost find myself forgetting where I came from. Forgetting how fortunate I am to have learned so much and have found a community of people who are so sexually open.
Almost.
I was talking with my mother. I make jokes about my son E and how he behaves like my brother M. My concern is that E will be impulsive and make poor choices, but sometimes my mother mistakes this as concern for his sexual orientation. M is a gay man. He’s engaged to a man he loves very much. E has some of M’s mannerisms and he occasionally does things that would be labeled feminine (like wanting to paint his toes, wearing his sister’s clothes or my shoes), but these are all things I consider normal behavior for a kid his age. When my mother or step-father comment on his behavior and say things about how he is going to turn out just like M, I say ‘it’s none of my business who he has sex with when he’s grown.’. Because it’s not. Well, my mother mentioned his feminine behavior to my grandmother and said something about how he might turn out like M. My grandmother said “Well she needs to do something about that now.”
Just like that, I was brought back to reality. A sadness that the world isn’t as accepting as our little sex positive community of bloggers. That E, D, T or K may have to suffer the intolerance of not just the world, but their own family in the future. It broke my heart. I love my grandmother, very dearly. She is the most amazing woman I know. She has dedicated her entire life to raising not just her 5 children and my grandfather’s son from a previous marriage, but has had a hand in the upbringing of most of her grandchildren. Several of them living with her at various points in their lifetime. She did the best she could. She was never hateful or cruel. I have a huge level of respect for her and I understand that she was brought up in a very different time than I was.
I was feeling a bit discouraged about all of this until one of Britni’s Tumblr posts came across my twitter stream.
me: so.. how is your son?
her: i sent him to live with his dad.
me: oh! why?
her: he was getting into trouble.
me: oh, like hanging out with the wrong crowd?
her: you could say that.
me: what do you mean?
her: well, you know how he sings and loves dance and theater?
me: yeah.
her: well, i caught him kissing a boy he’s in church choir with.
me: ::blank stare:: So?
her: SO?!? I can’t have a gay son!
me: It’s not like you have a choice.
her: Oh yes I do! The Bible says blahblahblabedlybalh….
me: So… you sent him to his father because..
her: …he needed an example of how a real man behaves.
me: I see. Is this the same dude who left you when you were 7 months pregnant, didn’t pay a dime in child support, and then sued you for full custody because you lost your job when your son was 10?
her: that’s not the point.
me: oh… i think it is.
All that I can do is be a soft place for my kids to fall when the world is too hard to face. I can show them that no matter who they love, I will always love them. I can teach them to be safe and that there is nothing wrong with who they are. I don’t need to do anything to try to fix who they are going to be attracted to. They are who they are, and there is no changing it.
Britni TheVadgeWig said,
This is a beautiful post. More parents and people should be like you.
Dangerous Lilly said,
It makes me so sad to hear of parents that have seemingly conditional love. I’m glad you’re better than that.
Nell Gwynne said,
I love this post.
Alan said,
Very nice post, Sarah.
Heather said,
I would love my son no matter what but I wouldn’t “encourage” him being gay. I want him to grow up and be happy. I think that E may turn out like M but I wouldn’t just assume he will. I mean I know your smart and will do it right but just don’t assume he will be gay…He will be awesome no matter what.
I have a friend whose son does stuff like that and I tease her (because I think its funny I am not doing it in a mean way I also tease her about one of her boys having LONG hair and he is 2) and she is very much like you and she doesn’t care what he does and doesn’t have a problem with letting him get a hello kitty tooth brush or pink sheets or letting him paint his nails or wearing make up or whatever. Here is my question though am I wrong for teaching my son that certain things are made for certain genders? Stephen doesn’t like to dress up (well he wears his old Halloween costumes) or wear nail polish or any of that (if he did I have to admit I wouldn’t let him). I just teach him that certain things are not made for boys and certain things are not made for girls. Some people might say that’s wrong some might say it is good…I dunno
Anyways great post I like seeing the nice calm side of you lol and I know grandma doesn’t have a mean bone in her body and I know she probably thinks gay is bad however I wonder if part of “fixing that situation now” is because she doesn’t want E to suffer like M has had to in many ways….
Sexperts said,
Glad I found your blog. Nice to hear about acceptance as well. My question is, do you still identify as Christian? Just curious.
Also, my brother and I dressed up as princesses, painted our toes, and wore heels. This is totally normal “pretend” play for kids. He grew up completely straight. Don’t worry about your son being “feminine” because many of these men grow up to be straight… and as you said, if he doesn’t, you can only tell him what the Bible says, that you believe it’s wrong but it’s his choice, and love him anyway.
Sarahbear said,
@ Sexperts:
I identify more as an agnostic now, though I do still hold some Christian beliefs and values. I just want my kids to be happy and fulfilled when they grow up. I completely disagree with the Bible, or rather the Christian belief that homosexuality is wrong because I don’t believe we can control who we are attracted to. My concern lies with how he (or my other kids) would be treated if they are gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered etc.
Thanks for stopping by. =)
@ Heather:
You’re not wrong for the way you choose to raise your child. We all will make mistakes because kids don’t come with instruction manuals. We do what is necessary for our lives, families and individual situations. Lil will be just fine, I’m sure. =)
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