Sunday: Weekly Wrap-It-Up #14

Posted by Sarahbear on June 6, 2010

I’ve been having a hard time with some of the side effects from the Provera the Dr. prescribed for me. The most noticeable issue is a somewhat constant feeling of sadness and irritability. Everything makes me upset. The kids are home for summer vacation and I already feel overwhelmed. My sister is gone 99% of the time now because she has a new boyfriend and that’s what teenagers do when they become infatuated with each other. Chad’s work schedule is the same, but the days he’s working go on forever.

I can’t seem to get ahead or even catch up with things. If I finish the laundry, I get behind on reviews. If I work on reviews, when I finish them there’s a disaster somewhere in the house that takes 5 hours to clean up. I had to steam clean the carpet because the toilet in the back of the house overflowed and the kids decided to squirt a bottle of ketchup onto the floor. There are dishes to be done, my bedroom is a disaster and we’ve acquired a new kitten that I find myself constantly chasing the kids away from.

I’d love a day away from it all. A break. A date with my husband. Some time to spend reconnecting with him. Unfortunately, lining up his and my sister’s work schedule or the time she wants to spend with her boyfriend don’t seem to line up. It’s hard finding a reliable babysitter for 4 kids. Our last ‘date’ was actually a trip, with children in tow, to my doctor. The one before that? We got called home early because my sister decided she wanted to go see a movie with her boyfriend. It was also another day spent visiting the doctor. There are times when I really wish things could be like they were before we had kids. I love my kids, but when I need a break things just start to mount on top of each other until I can’t take it anymore. Then everyone thinks I’m being a bitch, when I’ve really been biting my tongue and dealing with it for a month or more. I think people assume that it’s easy being a stay at home mother. I admit, there are aspects of this that are easier than being a working mother, but when you were a fairly social person before you had kids and your social life has been reduced to absolutely nothing? It’s hard. It’s lonely. It’s suffocating.

It’s irritating to have my sister and husband ask me what’s wrong. When I try to explain it to them, they don’t get it. Both of them get to leave the house and socialize all day. Sure, work can be frustrating, but you get to come home and relax afterward. What I deal with is pretty much 24/7. I slip away for brief intervals, 15-20 minutes at a time yet still on edge, waiting for one of the children to need me. They say they understand but they don’t, really. I find myself annoyed and jealous of anyone with a sex drive. My sister comes home after a night spent at her boyfriends, bragging about how she didn’t get any sleep. It feels like she’s rubbing it in my face because she knows that I haven’t had a sex drive with whatever is going on with my hormones. My husband goes to sleep at night telling me how he doesn’t want to upset me about how he wants sex,  but even just bringing it up is a reminder of what my body is doing wrong. My twitter stream is full of sex bloggers and toy reviewers who have wonderful sex lives that they are sharing with the world and it makes me cry. I feel like I’m starting to resent everyone around me.

This weeks Song for Sunday is Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day.