Justification and Accountability
Posted by Sarahbear on August 30, 2010
You Know Better
I have been trying, for about 2 weeks now, to put together a post about monogamy. It’s been very frustrating that it hasn’t come together like I intended it to. I just got done reading another piece excusing deception, lying and cheating on your partner. It seems like that’s all I’ve been seeing lately, are posts trying to justify the actions and choices of the unfaithful. Some of them are based on scientific research that claims humans are not biologically designed to be monogamous, casting aside the fact that we’re more than just simple minded animals driven by our sexual urges and we’re fully capable of making the decision to commit to a single person for a lifetime. Some of them, like the post I just read, blame one partner for not holding up their end of the bargain, sexually, and claim that if a person’s sexual desires aren’t being met then they should be free to look elsewhere.
All of these things are true, to an extent, but there’s a huge fucking problem with this one-sided logic. Because we’re human beings and we have the capability to make choices, we can’t simply excuse away our negative behavior as some uncontrollable biological urge. We have the ability to predict the consequences of our actions and we know that if we choose to cheat on our partner that they’re going to be hurt.
The blog I just read talked about Dan Savage and his opinion on monogamous relationships:
– if you are in a relationship with someone where the sex was great in the beginning, if the person involved led you to believe that sex would be an ongoing piece of your relationship’s equation, and then suddenly the sex stops, then you have a biological and natural right to go get your needs met somewhere else.
While I agree with a lot of what he says, I believe this is absolutely, 100% wrong. You see, when you are in a committed, monogamous relationship with someone, you owe it to that person to exhaust all possible options before you get your needs met somewhere else. And that decision needs to be one your partner is involved in or that ends your monogamous relationship, not one that you make behind their back. Sex is almost always great in the beginning of a relationship. Then this little thing called life happens. People get job promotions, mortgages, bigger bills, kids, stress on top of stress on top of more stress and these things can have profound effects on the sex drive. Sometimes health problems, particularly hormonal ones, will pop up. Sometimes the medications to treat these health problems or the health issues themselves will cause a lack of sex drive. There are million and one reasons why the sex might not be as smokin’ hot as it was in the beginning of the relationship.
If you’re in a monogamous relationship you aren’t automatically entitled to hot, steamy sex. I don’t know how on earth we managed to encourage such an entitled generation of people, who believe that everything needs to come to them easily. Relationships and hot sex? They take work to maintain. If you aren’t getting what you want out of your relationship, talk to your partner, for fucks sake, y’all. How hard is that? If you find out that there are medical issues or stress that are interfering with things, figure out what the hell you can do to manage them. Share the burden. If that doesn’t work, for whatever reason, but both of you are trying really hard, that doesn’t give you the license to go get your needs met elsewhere. There are other ways to be intimate with your partner and there is a huge sex toy industry. Seriously, check out my banner links and you can see just a hint of what’s out there to spice things up. Masturbation can even be done with your partner present and it might spark a new fetish for you.
If nothing else is working for you, you can talk to your partner about opening up your relationship so that you can get your sexual fulfillment from somewhere else. This still is going to require communication and honesty and boundaries, but if it works for you that’s great. Otherwise you should simply end things with your partner, if you absolutely can not find a solution to what you’re missing in your relationship. But under no circumstances should you ever, ever cheat on your partner.
Lying and deception is wrong. There is nothing you can say that will justify doing things to someone you’ve promised to be in a committed relationship with. If you’re going to lie, cheat and deceive your partner, accept responsibility for the choice you made to do so. Don’t make up some half-cocked excuse about human biology and your sexual needs. If you’re going to (knowingly) participate in an affair with someone who is suppose to be in a committed monogamous relationship, fucking own it. Don’t paint yourself as some god damn philanthropist because you helped them realize what they were missing in their life and helped them file for the divorce they didn’t have the balls to ask for. What you did is not right. Not in any way, shape or form. It was wrong and you need to be accountable for the wrong choices you make instead of making excuses and justifying what you did.
But we don’t like to admit when we make a wrong move, do we? We don’t want to be responsible for the choices we make. We want to point our fingers at everyone else. It makes us feel kinda icky when we have to admit that what we did wasn’t right. So we try and try and try to blame the society we live in for having outdated morals and traditions that they try to force on us. Like there is something wrong with expecting people to be decent human beings and have respect for each other by not lying to people. If you’re incapable of having enough empathy for your fellow man, then it makes you a shitty human being. It’s time you started coming to terms with that.
Juliettia said,
People who try to justify cheating and claim that it’s a grey area because of some lame ass excuse piss me off.
If monogamy is the lifestyle you’ve chosen then you need to uphold it and its values until you and your partner together decide otherwise. If the sex isn’t so hot and you’re not getting as much as you like try talking to your partner, as hard as it may be, seek couples sex counseling, or maybe spend a bit more time ravishing them and paying them compliments. It could just be a simple esteem issue.
To quote an article I read,
Every single man and every single woman is perfectly capable of not cheating on their significant others, of having a conversation about their emotional and sexual needs and—as is one of my three rules of dating—having a conversation with their significant other when those things change. Is it easy? No.
I don’t cheat on my partner because I can’t fuck other people; and he doesn’t refrain from sticking his dick in other women just because there’s no one else who would fuck him.
Monogamy isn’t a default, it’s a decision.
It’s the responsibility of your partner to keep from intimate engagement with anyone else’s genitals.
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alana said,
How funny, this has been on my mind since I read the same post by Savage (at least I think they are the same – about a book called “Before Dawn” or something like that) and I was really annoyed by the way Savage and his guest looked down on monogamy as if the people who remain in traditional relationships are some weirdos who really just want to get it on with their neighbors but are too repressed to say so. Um…no. I feel a bit silly getting irritated that people are bashing on monogamy when most people hold the traditional mindset, but I think anyone who doesn’t admit that some people are happier and more sexually fulfilled in monogamous relationships with one partner is being disingenuous. Yes, it is important that more and more people feel free to explore their sexuality and different relationship options, but that doesn’t mean that monogamy is “unnatural” or and deception should be tolerated. Cheating on your partner is never okay because if you’re cheating then you’re breaking your commitment (which is different then two people agreeing to bring additional sexual partners into their relationship of whatever).
Also, there are biological reasons why the strong intense feelings at the beginning of a relationship don’t last. Any basic human sexuality course will explain it so I don’t see what all the fuss is about.
Rockin' with a Cock in said,
I agree with the meat of this post, but I’d like to comment on the articles about monogamy, etc. that you mentioned in the beginning, and on Dan Savage.
“Some of [these articles] are based on scientific research that claims humans are not biologically designed to be monogamous, casting aside the fact that …we’re fully capable of making the decision to commit to a single person for a lifetime.” If you have a link to one that says the first part and doesn’t address the second part, I’d like to see it.
Here’s an article I read on the subject, but it addresses the decision-making capabilities and doesn’t use the non-monogamy history to justify cheating, etc. I don’t know how much truth it holds, but it was an interesting read.
I like seeing articles challenging mainstream beliefs about relationships because I don’t like that monogamy is viewed as natural/normal/right and other relationship structures are viewed as wrong. Not that there’s something *wrong* with monogamy, I’d just like it to be presented as *a* choice and not *the* choice. These opinions of mine have nothing to do with cheating/fidelity, and I wouldn’t support articles that excuse lying, etc. with anthropological claims.
Onto Dan Savage…he’s an interesting case. I’ve seen him give advice to people to go get their sexual needs met if they aren’t getting them met at home. I think the only cases he’s said to do it without consulting the partner (that I’ve read) are ones where the partner is near death or absolutely refusing to discuss the issue at all (in combination with some reason why they can’t leave). I haven’t read Dan suggest that people just go cheat to get themselves off, or that he supports sneaking around on deemed-exclusive partners. And he frequently calls out question-askers for their wrongdoings, which is nice.
Sarahbear said,
I thought that it seemed a little odd for me to disagree with something he said. I actually read that quote from a post Sexie Sadie’s Stories of Seduction, and it seems like she may have quoted that portion of what he said to back up what she was saying. I have seen him talk about monogamy before and it seemed like it was a bit out of character for him to condone cheating like that.
I definitely want people to feel like they have a choice, but I don’t understand why some people seem to think it’s some us against them thing. I’ve seen some sex bloggers talk about how boring monogamy is and question whether it ever works, or make comments about how it never works. It’s irritating to try to be part of a community that is suppose to be accepting of different people’s lifestyles and feel like an outcast because I hold more traditional values for myself.
The biological thing was brought up in a few forum posts, one of which was on EF, I think. Which, is I think what’s frustrating. People paraphrase stuff on the forums and steer the discussion in a way that suits them, so the part about the decision making gets left out sometimes.
PandaDementia said,
Great post, Sarah. Here are my thoughts on the subject:
If you can’t deal with monogamy, don’t get into a monogamous relationship. It’s as simple as that. If you and your partner are able to talk about your sexual needs and decide to open up the relationship, great. If that doesn’t happen, though, you either need to grin and bear it or get the hell out of that relationship. Lying to your partner is NEVER okay and to give the excuse “I need my needs met” is a cop-out and shows that you think of yourself as an unfeeling, unthinking animal instead of a conscious human being. Grow the fuck up.
#rantover
Janie said,
I definitely see what you are saying. I often think there is more to cheating than just sexual infidelity – I would be more upset about the deceit than I would be about the fact that sex had taken place without me.
What I think Dan is suggesting is not cheating, it is that you have the right to either break up with someone because of sexual disparity (because whilst everyone must realise that sex comes and goes in any long-term relationship, a true and long-standing mismatch of libidos can make you very unhappy and nobody needs that shit – it’s not being entitled to believe that you deserve good sex, it’s only entitled to believe that you deserve it without any work which you rightly point out), or to negotiate an open relationship. Both of which I think are reasonable.
I don’t think that people who claim that humans aren’t biologically monogamous (including, sometimes, myself depending on what I’ve been reading) are not condoning cheating. Or at least, if they’ve been researching relationships I should hope they’re not!
xoxox
adriana said,
I generally agree. Cheating is shitty. Own up if you do it. Own up if you were the other person. I also agree that people should exhaust all possibilities when it comes to making things work but I wonder if people often realize that being grateful and losing that sense of entitlement IS one of those options.
And while I agree with Panda, in theory, the fact is so many people don’t realize they’re not capable of being in a healthy (monogamous) relationship until they’re in one and.. fuck. Heh.
I would sliiightly alter your closing statements…
“If you’re going to do something, accept responsibility for the choice you made to do so. Don’t make up some half-cocked excuse to avoid responsibility.”
I Feel Like I’m Repeating Myself | said,
[...] Justification. It’s when you know what you’re doing is wrong but you’re too scared to admit it to yourself. You don’t like the bad feelings that go along with it. The feeling of being judged for being an asshole. When I cheated on Chad it was absolutely, 100% my fault. Was I unhappy with my marriage? Yes. I wasn’t getting what I wanted from Chad, and so I looked elsewhere. I made that decision, on my own. It wasn’t fair to Chad because when we entered into our marriage, we entered into a partnership and decisions that affected our family should have been made together. The decision I should have made was to talk to Chad and tell him that I felt ignored and neglected. I should have gone to him and told him I wanted him to spend more time with me and pay more attention to me. That would have been the right thing to do. Instead, I was selfish and I made a choice for both of us that impacted our marriage heavily. I didn’t even give him the opportunity to try and be what I needed. It was an asshole thing to do and I was an asshole for doing it. [...]
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