On Jealousy
Posted by Sarahbear on August 3, 2010
There are times when I read things and have very mean thoughts. I am not a mean person, though I can be prodded and goaded into saying or doing hateful things at times, so it shocks me when these things cross my mind. I ask myself why on earth I would think something that mean and the answer is almost always jealousy.
I have been struggling to lose weight for over 8 years now. With my first pregnancy I gained 70 lbs. I was 145 lbs when I graduated high school in May of 2001. I got pregnant in October of 2001 (or thereabouts) and by the end of June 2002 I was 204 lbs. I managed to work off a lot of the weight, getting back down around 175 lbs, but by that time I found out I was pregnant again. Between gall bladder problems and gestational diabetes my weight fluctuated 30 or so lbs between pregnancies. Then after the birth of my fourth child I was sitting at about 240 lbs. I sat at home a few more years and I’m nearing 270 lbs, my highest weight ever. I was doing rather well with eating and exercise earlier this year and then I got a 5 week long period that made me so hungry and sleepy and I’ve since gained back most of the weight I lost.
It sucks.
Losing weight for me has always been hard, and I guess it is for a lot of people or we wouldn’t have a multi-billion dollar diet industry. When I start minding what I eat I become obsessive about the calories and I don’t think that’s a healthy way to think about food. I have no motivation to exercise, especially alone. Well, it’s more a matter of not wanting to exercise with the kids. If I pop in a DVD or turn on something from the DVR they come in and want to do it with me. There’s already very limited space in our bedroom for that sort of thing and I can’t focus on it when I’m trying to make sure I don’t knock one of the kids over or hit them in the head with a dumbbell.
Why is this titled ‘on jealousy’? Because when I see people who are a healthy weight complaining of the 5-10 lbs they want to lose it makes me seethe. I’m at least 100 lbs heavier than is healthy for my height and bone structure. I have started noticing the weight in the tightness of my clothing (that I just bought) and in the way I have trouble breathing when I lie flat on my back (specifically during sex). Sometimes I get winded doing basic things like cleaning the house or grocery shopping. I’ve always had a fairly proportionate figure, even with the added weight, but lately I’ve been noticing more bumps and rolls than I like. It’s becoming harder to squeeze into booths at restaurants and get up and down off the floor. It’s thoroughly embarrassing to admit this.
There are times I’ve toyed with the idea of weight loss surgery, but it’s an impossibility for us. For starters, our medical insurance does not cover weight related medical issues, period. No surgeries, no nutrition counselors, no medications. I also have strong aversions to the procedures because I feel you’re basically forcing your body into medically induced anorexia. The symptoms a lot of patients have are from losing weight too rapidly and I feel that is too dangerous, far more dangerous than the weight itself. I can not take pills because I have a terrible gag reflex. I would die of malnutrition if I was forced to get the majority of the nutrients I needed via supplements and pills. Yet when I see people I know who have had the surgery losing weight I get jealous and wish I could just go have surgery and drop 100 lbs in a year. Even despite seeing people like my aunt suffer some very negative side effects from her own gastric bypass.
I’m just jealous. I wish I could figure out something that would work for me. Not just for losing weight and toning up my body, because I realize that’s a matter of eating better and moving my body more, but something that would keep me motivated. I get easily discouraged, a slight gain or a bad body image day and I’m reduced to wanting to binge eat. The kids, who have learned what fat is, have made comments about me that send me to the bathroom crying, though I know they’re not trying to be mean or hateful. It’s going to take patience and persistence, because safe weight loss is hard, especially because I want to focus on toning areas up the entire time. I do not want to be left with the excess skin, which is another reason I do not want to have surgery.
Today I don’t have anything insightful or witty to say. This is just a post where I am feeling sorry for myself because I’m having a bad body image day.
Rockin' with a Cock in said,
Aww, I’m sorry you feel like this. ::hugs::
You say you’re feeling sorry for yourself, and I see that, but I see a lot of good things in this post, too. So many good things!
You understand that you’re jealous. You understand that things in your life caused weight gain. You recognize the risks and potential negatives about weight loss surgeries. You recognize that “safe weight loss is hard.” And you’re totally on top of why it’s hard to do the things you know you should (kids, bad image days, need motivation). Those are all really significant things.
I don’t know if I can help, but if I can, let me know.
On staying motivated: For me, I like to write things down (on real paper with a real pen). I like to write how I feel, what I should do, why I should do things, etc., just to have all of it in front of me. Then if I get distressed, I can come back to it and read it, and know that it’s true. Having something permanent to hold on to really helps me stay grounded, even if I feel like I’m not making progress.
Sexy @ Forty said,
Don’t get jealous – get determined.
Weight loss – weather it be losing 100 lbs OR 30 lbs still has the same emotional attachments. Weight does not discriminate no matter what the size. It’s STILL an emotional mind fuck to break the cycle and start fresh.
I had to learn a whole NEW way of life and living, but I am proof that it CAN be done. I am one of those people that only needed to lose around 20 pounds – and just because I only had 20 to lose it did not make it any easier. I still had the sleep apnea and I still had the exercise induced asthma.
Now – those are gone and I can sleep on my back again – and I no longer need my inhaler when I run/do cardio OR work out.
Sometimes, having a buddy helps when it comes to losing weight. It did for me. I didn’t have any in my real life, but I did find a great network online – http://www.sparkpeople.com.
SP is 100% FREE… you do NOT need to spend a dime. And its got REAL people and real professionals that are there.
Please, email me and lets try this weight loss together. I know how you feel. I know how frustrating it is and I know that you will be able to lose the weight… I am NOT a Dr. or anything… just a real person that knows what you are feeling. (even if it is only a 20 lb weight loss.
)
CarrieAnn said,
I really suck at advice and saying the right thing but, if I were there, I would give you a very big hug right now. Just a squeezy, tight hug.
Heather said,
Sarah as a friend I am going to tell you to GET OVER THE PILL THING! Its a pill. Because you WONT loose weight until you’ve found a healthy balance in your body. I talked to a “health person” and that is what they told me. I am taking vitamins…Simple vitamins (although better ones then like one a day which actually isnt that good for you compared to what is out there) and that alone is helping me loose weight no exercise needed. Because my body now sees that is doesn’t need to keep everything I eat to try to be healthy it has given its self permission to drop the junk. About the flabby fat that we have well the doctor and the other health person I talked to said to take collagen pills (a little later down the road) and that helps tremendously with the pulling in of loose skin. Also I drink this stuff which is a lean shake ( I dunno how to explain it. GNC sales it and it is called Lean Shake I guess kinda of like a protien shake)I also take oxy elite. It was recommended to me and I recommend it to you IF YOU CAN TAKE A PILL!!!! It has made such a difference. I mean I was/am the same way you are. NO energy and no drive but that is where all of this really helped. I was at a point where no I didnt want to be fat anymore but more importantly I just want to be HEALTHY. (I am saying was/am and things like that because I just started all this like a week ago) I just want to be able to walk up my stairs and not feel it ya know or sweat because I went to get the mail. I feel better just being healthier. I think small steps work best like stop drinking soda and then maybe cut out ice cream or whatever. I know you can do it. I KNOW YOU CAN. What is helping me as well is the gym membership. You can get a membership for a month with a trainer (most gyms have child care) and you can get it for a month and then learn all you can and then stop if you cant afford it but by then you’ve learned what will work for you and what you need. I love ya bear but ya need to be able to take a pill or figure some other way to GET THE VITAMINS (more then what your food can provide because your body needs more then that.)
hods evony said,
Pretty good post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts. Any way I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you post again soon.
alana said,
Like most people, I gain weight far easier then I lose it. I gained about 55 pounds when I was pregnant and I haven’t lost any of it (Holden is 4 now). I’m lucky that the weight hasn’t affected my health, but I get how hard it can be to adjust to such a change, (especially since I felt like it wasn’t my fault for gaining so much weight). It took me a long time to accept that this is my body and that I’m okay with that. Finally allowing myself to buy clothes that I actually liked really helped and blogs like fatshionista are great. I don’t really care about losing weight, but I definitely need to exercise more. Even if it’s just walking or riding a bike. It’s just hard to make myself do it.
Great post.
Redo | Sexy by Sarah said,
[...] lost a decent amount of weight and then got that horrendous 5-week-long period? Then I threw myself a pity party. Rockin made some good points and I took them into consideration. The next day I started exercising [...]
Add A Comment