Someone You Hate

Posted by Sarahbear on August 6, 2010

Surprise

Today’s letter is suppose to be for someone I hate or someone who has caused me a lot of pain. This person is both.

Jess,

Surprise, right? I hate the woman my husband had an affair with. Where do I begin?

I guess first I should say that what hurts the most is the things you’ve tainted. The little things that I deal with daily that cause a stray thought to spiral into a memory of what happened last September. Of course, as time passes those memories are becoming easier to dismiss and are happening less frequently, but there are still things I liked and enjoyed that I can not experience now because of you and Chad’s choices. I think it’s highly unfair that I have to suffer with these painful memories on a regular basis while you get to go on with your life, as if nothing ever happened. You don’t know or care about all of the damage you did. It’s like you came in with a wrecking ball, destroyed everything and then went back to your marriage like it didn’t matter. Chad and I were rocked to the very foundation of our marriage and we have been repairing that and rebuilding it all, brick by brick.

I still have questions lingering in my mind that only you can answer. Mostly why? What made you want him, knowing he has a wife and four kids? What made you think it was okay? What made you think you deserved to maintain a relationship with him after I found out and sneak around behind all the blocks I set up to talk with him? Why are you so arrogant and entitled? What makes you believe you didn’t deserve every ounce of hate and every hateful thing I said towards you? You’re 30 years old, surely you know what happens when the wife finds out about the affair by now. Do you honestly believe you shoulder no responsibility for the hell I’ve gone through in the last year? What was wrong with your marriage and why didn’t you try fixing that instead of going after Chad? Why did you continue to post under the name Colynna, which was created to post on your secret blog? Why did you keep that blog up for so long after he ended things with you? Is this story about Chad? Because it sure seems like it.

Seriously, I’d love you to answer some of these questions. Comments are moderated and my e-mail is in the side bar.

What did it feel like to find out that he never wore his Eternity Cuff when he was with me? To know that he let me take it off and throw it in the garbage, where it belonged, after it was over? I doubt it hurt you or caused you even a fraction of the pain the entire affair caused me.

Mostly, I’d love to thank you. Weird, right? Me thanking someone I hate. Well, I don’t deal in absolutes. I don’t believe that everything is either good or bad, people and situations. Your calculated attempts to drive a wedge between my husband and I (and let’s face it, polyamory was the last thing on your mind or else you wouldn’t have needed to remind Chad that I didn’t appreciate him enough or tell him how jealous you were that he spent time with me) actually fixed the problems we had in our marriage. It was a huge wake up call for us both. We realized we’d been simply going through the motions, that we’d let our love slip off to the side so we could deal with this silly thing called life. We’ve been repairing our marriage since last September. We make sure we let each other know how much we appreciate each other. We spend time together, a lot, date nights once a week usually. We talk more. We have more sex and it’s so awesome now. We love each other more now than we did when we got married.

And we have you to thank for that. if you hadn’t weaseled your way into our lives, we might still be letting life pass us by as we grew further and further apart. See? Even something as terrible as an affair can have it’s perks. What goes around, comes around and no good deed goes unpunished. I’m sure you’ll get your chance to experience exactly what you put me through and I hope it comes around ten-fold. But I also hope that when it does, you’ll use it as a learning experience, the way Chad and I have. That you won’t let it destroy you or your marriage.

I guess I don’t actually hate you, but it has nothing to do with anything you’ve done. I can’t harbor that kind of hatred in my heart without it damaging who I am. Slowly but surely, I’m moving past these events. I’m learning to let go of these feelings and I’m working towards the day when I can forgive you completely (though that certainly doesn’t mean we will ever be friends again).

Thanks,

Sarah