I Still Don’t Like Porn

Posted by Sarahbear on October 25, 2010

yet I requested another one to review. Sigh. I’m not really sure why. It was suggested by the person who coordinates the companyreviews and when I asked Chad what he thought, he said to go ahead and get it. It’s been sitting in his top drawer for a week, so every time I put away laundry I saw it. I wasn’t sure when I was going to watch it. It’s not like there’s much kid-free time around this house and it’s not really something I wanted to see so badly that I was going to make time for it. Then last night I just thought I’d better go ahead and take the opportunity to watch it.

The kids had to get to bed early for school. My sister went to bed early too, leaving us with the bedroom to ourselves and no worrying about whether or not she could hear the movie through the walls. It was Sunday night so I couldn’t find anything really interesting on tv anyway and I just asked Chad if he wanted to watch it with me. He got up quickly, after asking if I wanted to watch it on my laptop or on the tv, and ripped it open and put it into the xbox 360. I realize, fully, that the reason he was so enthusiastic about opening the movie was because it meant we were probably going to have sex, so he was excited. However, it adds to the reason I felt so bad after we did have sex.

We chuckled at some of the cheesy dialogue in the beginning and made a few remarks about the toys we recognized. We talked about the sound quality and acting quality. By the third scene we were just watching the movie. Chad was behind me, rubbing me and waiting for me to show I was ready for sex. It just wasn’t going to happen for me though. It was awkward to watch it, especially with Chad, and I wasn’t getting turned on.* Chad was though. I could feel his erection poking into my butt.

I decided to stop paying attention to the movie and see if maybe I’d warm up to sex once we started working towards it. I did. Afterwards though, I felt a bit weird. I asked if it was just the porn in general that turned him on so much or if there was something in particular that was going on that was so enticing. He responded that it was usually just porn and that there wasn’t anything going on in the porn that he wanted to try out.

His reply didn’t make me feel any better. I felt gross, unattractive and a little more than upset. Chad asked what was wrong, but I just told him it was nothing and went to sleep. I knew it was silly, but I can’t shake this feeling. I know it was him watching other pretty women having sex that was such a turn on. I can’t help but internalize that. I compare myself to those women, their bodies, the things they do sexually and I feel like I don’t measure up. Even after losing 17 lbs and toning up my body, significantly, with diet and exercise. I still feel inadequate.

Logically, I realize this is a ridiculous thing to think. Chad adores me. He thinks I’m sexy and beautiful and he has stated multiple times that we don’t have to watch porn (and that he won’t by himself) if it bothers me. I still can’t help the way I feel about porn. It leaves me feeling bad about myself every time. I’m pretty sure that’s the last porn I’ll be reviewing because I don’t like to feel that way, especially after sex.

*There was nothing wrong with the porn. I just am not someone who enjoys porn, though I feel my review will be pretty objective and accurate.