Review: Sqweel

Posted by Sarahbear on November 5, 2010

Cover removed and ready to use.

The LoveHoney Sqweel is an innovative toy that was designed to simulate oral sex. Despite reading several reviews by people who weren’t all that impressed with theirs, I was sucked in by how different it was than any other toy I own. Like others, I was left disappointed with my experience.

First things first, the details:

It comes in a large, metal box with the LoveHoney logo and Sqweel embossed on the lid. It’s big. It’s about an inch thick and 4 1/2 inches in diameter. To put that into perspective, it’s similar in size to a retractable leash for a large breed dog. It requires 3 AAA batteries (not included) that are installed inside the short handle. The switch is on the end of the handle and it has 3 settings (low, med, high).

The tin is pretty.

The black case is made of plastic with a velvety feeling coating. It can be a bit frustrating to open. The end opposite of the handle comes off to allow access to the 10 rotating, silicone tongues. One side of the case slides off so that you can get inside and clean all the nooks and crannies. You’ll need to remove the tongues and rinse them off and just carefully wipe out the inside of the case with a damp cloth to remove any excess lubricant. You don’t want to submerge the case in water.

Comes apart for cleaning.

Now for the important stuff. Does it really simulate oral sex?

No.

It’s innovative, yes, but it just wasn’t executed in a way that did the idea for the design justice. The 10 silicone tongues spin around in what I assume is suppose to feel like a tongue repeatedly licking your clitoris. What it actually feels like is 10 tongues rapidly slapping one of your most sensitive sex organs. I thought, perhaps, that if I applied more pressure it might provide more of a licking, dragging sensation instead of the slapping. Instead, the slightest amount of pressure either caused the tongues to completely stop rotating or to slow to a crawl. It also caused the god awful whining of the motor to become even louder and more annoying.

Could possibly pass for a tape measure...

Have you read ‘Good in Bed’ by Jennifer Weiner? There’s a part of the book where the main character refers to her ex-boyfriend as “the human bidet” because of the excess saliva he produces during oral sex. That part of the book made me think about the Sqweel because the ridiculous amount of lubricant you need to use. The tiny sample that comes in the box does not even begin to cover each of the 10 tongues. Once you do have enough lube to cover them and your entire vulva (because the Sqweel is huge), it gets messy. The higher you have the setting, the messier it is. Each tongue slaps and splashes lube all over your inner thighs, your bed and the excess dribbles down the crack of your ass.

They just can't compare to the real thing.

It does provide an interesting sensation when used on other, less sensitive areas of the body. It’s just not interesting enough to make me like it enough to use it. It’s too loud, it hurts and it’s a waste of expensive lubricants. I’m just not a fan. If I could give LoveHoney an ‘A’ for effort for sheer brilliance when it comes to new and clever designs for sex toys, I would, but I can’t. It sucks, unfortunately, and I have to be completely honest about it. It’s a neat idea, but it doesn’t do it’s job. Fortunately, there are plenty of other toys that do and they’re available at Good Vibes.

Thanks to Good Vibes for sending this toy my way.

FTC Statement: This product was sent to me in exchange for my unbiased opinion.