#reverb10 – One Word

Posted by Sarahbear on December 13, 2010

I’ve noticed a few bloggers doing this reverb project and I can’t find a better explanation for it that what’s on Skinny Emmie’s blog, so I’ll quote her.

This month I’m participating in #reverb10. Every day a new prompt is issued and I will write my response. The goal is to reflect on 2010 and manifest what’s next in 2011. Want to learn more? Visit www.reverb10.com.

Like her, I’m a bit behind on it, so I’ll have to play catch up. I may have to do two a day, considering there are supposed to be 31 prompts and we’re nearly halfway through the month!

The prompt for December 1st was:

December 1 - One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

My word for 2010 is: Healing

It has been a rough year, as evidenced by the posts on this blog relating to the affairs. While everything came out in mid-September of 2009, I think the majority of the healing took place this year. We took our first romantic trip, just Chad and I, since Ethan was a baby. We spent a ton of time focusing on our marriage, on what each of us wanted for ourselves and from each other. We weeded out things we didn’t need in our life and made sure to make time for other things.

I do believe it took an entire year before I could really say ‘It doesn’t hurt anymore.’ and not be lying to myself. Yeah, there are the occasional flare ups of memories but if someone would have told me I’d have felt this good about my marriage right now, I’d have never believed them. We sent each other down into a deep, dark hole and it took us a year, together, to dig our way out.

On top of healing my marriage, I’ve been focusing on my health. I went to see a doctor about my crazy periods, began taking birth control to regulate them, got my hormone levels worked out and was able to really start working on my physical health. I’ve lost 24 lbs so far and had a million and one non-scale victories. The boost to my physical health has improved my self-esteem, mental health and general well-being.

I think Healing is an excellent word to describe my 2010.

My word for 2011 is: Unrestrained

Odd choice? There are many ways I hope to have this word apply to my 2011. Firstly, my weight. I intend to lose a lot more weight this coming year. My weight has held me back for long enough. I’ve hidden behind it for 8 years now, yo-yo-ing around and never really dedicating myself to really getting it off. I’ve wasted a lot of time hating myself, hating the way I look, and being embarrassed. I missed out on so much life while I hid on the sidelines in fear that someone was snickering about how fat I’d gotten. I hardly have any photographs of myself with my children or my husband during these past 8 years due to my insecurities. No memories to look back on. It’s not going to hold me back anymore because it’s going to be gone. And even if it’s not all gone, I’ve learned to love myself for who I am now, not who I want to be, so I’m not going to be missing out on life anymore.

Another restraint for us has been our finances. We’re not suffering, but I’ve lived in a brand new home for 2 and a half years now with the bare necessities. I want to decorate. I want new furniture. Yet every time I turn around we’re spending heaps of money on something that comes up, because with 4 kids something is always coming up. In the past year and a half we’ve had 3 of my siblings move in (only 2 live here now) and the neighbors daughter (she was kicked out for being a lesbian and has also since moved out). We’ve helped each of them as much as we could, but all of this good will has hindered my own desires from happening. Just when we had finally gotten my sister working and stabilized (and paying rent), my brother moved in and now we’re trying to get him situated where he can get a job and start contributing financially. His situation is a bit tougher than my sister’s, so I may wind up going back to work after the new year.

Either way, we’ve got a plan in place to snowball our debt. We’ve got a bit of revolving credit card debt that we got to help build up our credit and let it get a bit out of hand, a few hospital bills and a huge mortgage to pay down. We’re hoping to take care of the cerdit cards and hospital bills and then split the money we were dedicating to the credit cards between the mortgage and finding another vehicle so that I can get a job, or at least have a vehicle so I’m not stuck at home all day, every day. Plus, the economy isn’t getting any better and things might get even tighter if the partisan shit doesn’t stop in the White House.

Next year I want to free myself from the shackles that have been restraining me for so long. I don’t want to juggle bills or hide from cameras anymore. It’s going to require some dedication and focus, but I believe I can do it.