Modesty is Relative

Posted by Sarahbear on August 2, 2011

Someone I know linked a tumblr called ‘Tea Party Jesus‘ on their Facebook page today and I’ve been scanning through the crazy all day long. There are 34 pages of postcards with racist, homophobic, sexist, classist, and absolutely ridiculous literal quotes there so you may want to make sure you haven’t met your daily quota of crazy if you click the link.

While many of the comments bothered me, it was the ones about rape and birth control that stuck. Bill O’Reilly of Fox News’ O’Reilly Factor said:

Many women who get pregnant are blasted out of their minds when they have sex. They’re not going to use birth control anyway

Because, ya know, when women have sex it’s only because they’re irresponsible with drugs and their bodies. No woman every used birth control responsibly to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. This comes from a man who has sexually harassed one of the former producers of his show.

Then you have Kansas Representative Pete DeGraaf voting (and helping to pass a bill) that bans insurance companies from covering abortion procedures except in the event that the woman’s life is in danger. He called for a ban on coverage even in the event that a woman is the victim of a rape and said that women could get around this little hurdle by “purchasing abortion-only policies”. The debate he had with Representative Barbara Bollier went like this:

Rep. Pete DeGraaf, a Mulvane Republican who supports the bill, told her: “We do need to plan ahead, don’t we, in life?”

Bollier asked him, “And so women need to plan ahead for issues that they have no control over with pregnancy?”

DeGraaf drew groans of protest from some House members when he responded, “I have a spare tire on my car.”

“I also have life insurance,” he added. “I have a lot of things that I plan ahead for.”

Because rape is exactly like getting a flat tire. Except it’s not. Anyone who has a car will get a flat tire at some point in their lives because tires wear out. They get things stuck in them. They have defects.

Everybody dies at some point. You can not avert death. You can sometimes postpone it by living healthily and through modern scientific advancements, but at some point you’re going to die. The responsible thing to do, because everyone will die, is to purchase an insurance policy to cover your funeral expenses and help provide your family with some financial peace of mind during their grief.

Rape is not like either of these things. It is not something that you should have to make separate preparations for, just in case.

Finally I read this quote:

“I think there has to be responsibility though for what a woman is wearing,” St. James told Hannity Monday. “When a woman is dressing in an immodest way, in a proactive way, she’s got to think about what is she saying by her dress?”

“They’re asking for sex,” she continued. “They’re asking for sex if they’re dressed immodestly.”

I clicked through the link, expecting to see some Congressman’s face and instead saw the name of a woman I use to admire. I use to listen to her music (when I considered myself a Christian) and even attended one of her concerts. I watched the video of her interview with Sean Hannity. She was asked to give her opinion on a Toronto police officer telling some college girls that if they wanted to remain safe “they should avoid dressing like sluts.”

His comment sparked several protests called ‘Slut Walk’s’ where women marched, some of them scantily clad, to prove their point. While I don’t know that they made their point or necessarily agree with the way the protests were handled, I do agree that women are not ever raped because of something they wore. Sean Hannity stated several times that he did not agree with blaming the victim and no matter what it was not their fault, no matter what they wore, but then he would say the exact opposite thing right after. He and Rebecca St. James both repeated that women needed to take some personal responsibility for what they wore. Rebecca St. James even reiterated, several times, that if a woman was dressed immodestly that she was “asking for sex” and clarified by saying that if you dress provocatively that you are seeking sexual attention from males and that women need to think about how what they wear affects men.

One problem here is figuring out how to define ‘modest’. Are we talking burkas? Collared, long-sleeved, ankle length dresses? Knee-length skirts? Loose-fitting jeans and tops? Are scoop neck shirts okay? Who gets to decide what’s immodest?

Another problem is, who says men are incapable of controlling themselves in the presence of a woman, no matter her state of dress. Even if he became aroused because he appreciated the way she looked in whatever she was or was not wearing, that doesn’t mean she’s inviting him to touch her.

Also, why does she assume that women are seeking sexual attention if they dress a certain way? And from men? Some women want to attract other women. Some women like to dress in a way that makes them feel good about themselves or pretty. I don’t put on make-up and curl my hair solely for the purpose of looking nice for my husband. I do it because it makes me feel good to look at myself when I do.

Here we go again though with this backwards logic that places the blame of the victim on their own shoulders rather than on the rapist. There is just something really tricky about women’s sexuality. While I agree that we should all be careful and avoid dangerous places, women don’t only get raped in dangerous places or when they’re intoxicated. Women get raped by people they trust and in places they think are safe all the time.

So how do we address this issue?

Earlier this summer, Ethan asked me how he would know if someone wanted to have sex with him. He’s my 9 year old son who I have already had frank discussions about sex with. I simply said ‘They will tell you they want to have sex with you.’ Because that is the only time it is okay to have sex with someone. When they tell you that it’s what they want to do, that’s when it’s appropriate. Not when she’s wearing ‘slutty’ clothes.

Slut Walk