There are times when I read things and have very mean thoughts. I am not a mean person, though I can be prodded and goaded into saying or doing hateful things at times, so it shocks me when these things cross my mind. I ask myself why on earth I would think something that mean and the answer is almost always jealousy.
I have been struggling to lose weight for over 8 years now. With my first pregnancy I gained 70 lbs. I was 145 lbs when I graduated high school in May of 2001. I got pregnant in October of 2001 (or thereabouts) and by the end of June 2002 I was 204 lbs. I managed to work off a lot of the weight, getting back down around 175 lbs, but by that time I found out I was pregnant again. Between gall bladder problems and gestational diabetes my weight fluctuated 30 or so lbs between pregnancies. Then after the birth of my fourth child I was sitting at about 240 lbs. I sat at home a few more years and I’m nearing 270 lbs, my highest weight ever. I was doing rather well with eating and exercise earlier this year and then I got a 5 week long period that made me so hungry and sleepy and I’ve since gained back most of the weight I lost.
It sucks.
Losing weight for me has always been hard, and I guess it is for a lot of people or we wouldn’t have a multi-billion dollar diet industry. When I start minding what I eat I become obsessive about the calories and I don’t think that’s a healthy way to think about food. I have no motivation to exercise, especially alone. Well, it’s more a matter of not wanting to exercise with the kids. If I pop in a DVD or turn on something from the DVR they come in and want to do it with me. There’s already very limited space in our bedroom for that sort of thing and I can’t focus on it when I’m trying to make sure I don’t knock one of the kids over or hit them in the head with a dumbbell.
Why is this titled ‘on jealousy’? Because when I see people who are a healthy weight complaining of the 5-10 lbs they want to lose it makes me seethe. I’m at least 100 lbs heavier than is healthy for my height and bone structure. I have started noticing the weight in the tightness of my clothing (that I just bought) and in the way I have trouble breathing when I lie flat on my back (specifically during sex). Sometimes I get winded doing basic things like cleaning the house or grocery shopping. I’ve always had a fairly proportionate figure, even with the added weight, but lately I’ve been noticing more bumps and rolls than I like. It’s becoming harder to squeeze into booths at restaurants and get up and down off the floor. It’s thoroughly embarrassing to admit this.
There are times I’ve toyed with the idea of weight loss surgery, but it’s an impossibility for us. For starters, our medical insurance does not cover weight related medical issues, period. No surgeries, no nutrition counselors, no medications. I also have strong aversions to the procedures because I feel you’re basically forcing your body into medically induced anorexia. The symptoms a lot of patients have are from losing weight too rapidly and I feel that is too dangerous, far more dangerous than the weight itself. I can not take pills because I have a terrible gag reflex. I would die of malnutrition if I was forced to get the majority of the nutrients I needed via supplements and pills. Yet when I see people I know who have had the surgery losing weight I get jealous and wish I could just go have surgery and drop 100 lbs in a year. Even despite seeing people like my aunt suffer some very negative side effects from her own gastric bypass.
I’m just jealous. I wish I could figure out something that would work for me. Not just for losing weight and toning up my body, because I realize that’s a matter of eating better and moving my body more, but something that would keep me motivated. I get easily discouraged, a slight gain or a bad body image day and I’m reduced to wanting to binge eat. The kids, who have learned what fat is, have made comments about me that send me to the bathroom crying, though I know they’re not trying to be mean or hateful. It’s going to take patience and persistence, because safe weight loss is hard, especially because I want to focus on toning areas up the entire time. I do not want to be left with the excess skin, which is another reason I do not want to have surgery.
Today I don’t have anything insightful or witty to say. This is just a post where I am feeling sorry for myself because I’m having a bad body image day.