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Posts Tagged ‘body image’

Sarah’s Got Her Groove Back!

Posted by Sarahbear on August 27th, 2010

Last week must have been a fluke. Things are going well, as far as my weight loss and body are concerned. There’s some family illness going on right now, but things look like they’ll be fine on that front.

I may not have lost any weight this week, but I measured myself this morning and I’ve lost a total of 7.5 inches in the last 3 weeks (from the areas I measure on my body). 3 of them? Came off my hips! I’ve lost a few stray inches from my bust, thighs and calves as well. I was feeling a bit down because the scale has gone up and down this week, but I haven’t lost any more pounds. Then to find out about the inches and to notice the difference in the mirror has been a big pick-me-up.

Chad’s so silly. He told me he could really tell a difference in my face with the weight loss, already, and then he asked what sort of exercises you do to make your face skinny. He proceeded to make really silly faces and count and breath until I was laughing and rolling my eyes. He? Has lost 15 lbs himself. His pants are falling off of him! We’re both doing very well with our eating habits and we’ve started taking walks in the evenings on top of any other exercise we do during the day. It’s nice to get out of the house and spend that time together.

In other news, my vagina is working again. I’m going to assume that it was my birth control. I was finally able to get my GYN to fax in the prescription for the generic and get it filled. Two days of taking it and I’m a new woman. I did a take-two on the sexy lingerie (which I’ll be reviewing soon enough). There’s some back story I need to tell so there may be an HNT or WW with it soon too. There was no trouble with wetness and I felt everything and was able to have a very relaxing orgasm. Usually, orgasms make me wide awake but last night I passed out afterward.

I hope the weekend is awesome.

Posted in Just for Fun

Tags: body image, I love my husband, Love, married life, married sex

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What is Going On Down There?!

Posted by Sarahbear on August 25th, 2010

My sex drive has been improving, slightly. I’m not ravenous and I have some moody days, but I feel like I generally want to have sex more frequently. The problem is that when I do, no matter how much foreplay or touching we do, I’m not getting wet (and I am usually at least soaking my panties). I also can not feel a god damn thing! Well, I take that back, I do feel it when we hit a bad angle or there’s too much weight on my episiotomy scar. Other than that, I am getting no real pleasurable sensations.

I can’t feel my clitoris, it’s painful to stimulate my g-spot and it’s frustrating the hell out of me because it’s having an impact on my mood to not be able to have sex and orgasm.

Occasionally, when I hear Chad nearing an orgasm, I will suddenly begin feeling enough to have an orgasm, but it’s not a very big one. I’ve googled losing sensitivity in clitoris/vulva and all I seem to keep pulling up are questions or papers about using sex toys and losing sensitivity. Which is untrue, long term, though you can temporarily desensitize yourself if you’re using vibrators, but the sensations come back after a little while of not using them. I, however, have not been using toys very frequently and it’s because I can’t feel them anyway.

How do I complete sex toy reviews? How do I even out my moods and restore the intimacy in my marriage? We’re talking more and he’s taking walks with me and the dog, but there is a huge missing puzzle piece when I can’t enjoy sex. He gets off on my enjoyment and it relaxes me. I bought lingerie that I look very sexy in. Lingerie that he told me was probably the most well fitting piece we own, and I still couldn’t get turned on.

I’m hoping it’s just something hormonal, because I haven’t been able to get my doctor’s office to call in the prescription for my birth control yet. I should have been taking the first week by now and maybe the hormones are making my body all wonky. I don’t know, but I’m going nuts here. I want to have a freaking orgasm, and a good one, soon. You don’t realize how long a week or two is when you go without sex, or at least you can’t feel the sex you’re having. I thought weight loss, eating right and exercising were suppose to make sex better. I hope this sorts itself out soon because I don’t know if our insurance covers going to a doctor for ‘Why the fuck isn’t my vagina working anymore?’

Posted in Rants

Tags: body image, I love my husband, married life, married sex, vibrators

1 Comment »

Sunday Weekly Wrap-It-Up #21

Posted by Sarahbear on August 22nd, 2010

I can’t believe I didn’t write anything this week. I started a few things but the words just weren’t coming out like I wanted. I have inspiration for a few posts and I’ve got some reviews to get done. It’s been particularly busy here with only a week left until school starts. We’ve had to get the kids to the doctor to get shots and screenings, shop for supplies and I’m still focusing on eating good things and exercising. Perhaps it will slow down once the kids are in school and I’m left to deal with just the youngest most days. She’s easy to please.

I’m trying to read Half-Blood Prince but I think I keep putting it off because I don’t want to read about how Snape has been bad all along. I’m reading a chapter or two at a time, really slowly pacing myself through this book. If I sat down I’d have it read in under a day. I’ve been playing a little bit of WoW with Chad. We thought we’d piddle with new characters for a bit and see how we still liked the game. We’re still unsure about whether or not we’ll be buying the expansion when it’s released. It’s kind of a time sink, even when we’re only playing an hour or two a couple times a week. My game time ran out (or at least it should have) yesterday, so it will be a couple weeks without it. If I even decide to buy a new game card on pay day.

I went to purchase my first prescription of birth control and found out the one I was on is $70 a month. Certainly not something I can afford. I almost cried in the store because my periods and hormones finally feel regulated. I’ve been on Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo for two months and things were going so well. There are supposedly generics for it, but the pharmacist said I had to call my doctor and have them call in a new prescription for them because they couldn’t change anything on their own. I called my OB/GYN and the nurse said she would call it in. We went to pick it up and the pharmacist said nothing had been done. So, I have to wait until tomorrow to call them back and see what’s up. I hope they can get it sorted out so that I can start the next pack before it wreaks havoc on my body and disrupts my weight loss progress.

I managed to maintain my weight through my period. I didn’t binge on foods like I usually do. I did feel a need for red meat twice and then another need for some peanut butter. I had ice cream with reese pieces a few times, but it was a small portion and I stayed close to my calorie goals. I’ve even lost 2 more lbs in the day or two since my period ended! I also lost 1.5″ off my hips! I’m going to be spacing my weigh ins and measurements out to weekly or bi-weekly so that I don’t feel like I’m obsessing over the numbers. I start comparing the numbers to other things and lose motivation. Like, I still only have one pair of pants that fits me the way I like. That was a little disappointing. We went to see Vampires Suck and I was trying on clothes and not being satisfied with how anything looked. Chad finally told me I looked great and I needed to stop being so hard on myself and we had a really fun time. We actually met a friend at the store where we were picking up healthier munchies than what we could purchase at the theater and he went with us. We should do stuff like that more often.

Speaking of motivation, I ordered $200 worth of lingerie, a size down, and it should be here Tuesday. I got a 30% coupon and plenty of gift cards so I didn’t actually spend any money on it, so that was awesome. We’ll actually have a lot of stuff to do Tuesday, considering the boys new bedroom set will be here and I’ll be working on organizing their stuff. It’s gonna be a busy week.

Posted in Sunday Wrap-It-Up

Tags: body image, Love, married life

4 Comments »

Perfectionism

Posted by Sarahbear on August 12th, 2010

I want things done right, and of course my way is always the right way. I greatly appreciate when my sister and husband pitch in to help with the housework, but there is a huge difference in the way we do things. When they’ve cleaned up, the floor gets clean. All the toys, trash and things that get scattered about by the kids get picked up quickly.

While it’s awesome to not get up and step on legos or action figures in the middle of the night, it’s leaves the eye-level surfaces a mess, which doesn’t make the house feel clean at all. When I clean, I work my way from the surfaces to the floor, dusting, sorting, and putting everything in it’s place. Things feel better when everything is in a basket or stacked neatly, rather than piled up on a dresser or table.

I’m the same way in a lot of areas of my life. I have a vision in my head of things and I want them done that way. When I see something in a magazine, like a shelving system, I make a mental note of all of the items and wind up talking myself out of getting it because I don’t have all the items that are on it. Kind of weird, right? But it is difficult for me to improvise when it comes to certain things. I think this is why I have a difficult time, sometimes, when it comes to weight loss. I see menus on weight loss plans and I think I need to eat exactly that for it to work. This adds up to a really expensive grocery bill and it also doesn’t quite work because there are things I can not eat because of food allergies (like shrimp and other shellfish). So I sabotage myself because I think I’m not doing it right.

Not this time! I’ve subbed in foods, even if I have to force myself to do it. It’s hard, but I make up for it by measuring out serving sizes and plugging in my food intake at myfitnesspal.com. It fills my need to catalog everything. Figuring out what works feels good. Accomplishment feels good. I’m slowly realizing that things don’t have to be perfect. That I’m not perfect . . .

and that’s okay.

Posted in Just for Fun

Tags: body image, married life

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The Real Reason I Hate Porn

Posted by Sarahbear on August 11th, 2010

I’ve said several times before that I’m just not that into porn, and it’s the truth. There’s a very rare occasion where I am interested in it, and it’s even more rare that it turns me on. I find the actors and actresses to typically be pretty fake and unbelievable. I guess it just really doesn’t do it for me to watch two other people having sex. There’s something else, though, and it’s that I am jealous.

Porn makes me feel insecure. Not the actual sex, because anyone can do most of that, but the women. I do not like when my husband watches porn and hentai, though I prefer hentai. You know how a lot of guys are intimidated by sex toys? They don’t understand why we would need a thick, ribbed dildo or a vibrator because it’s nothing like a real penis. It’s nothing like their penis. They don’t get why we can’t get off on what they have to offer us on it’s own.

That? is how I feel about porn.

Here I sit, with my weight and my flaws and I see that he spent 5 hours watching porn Sunday while I was out shopping for workout and school clothes. He didn’t even bother to put up the Pjur silicone lube from his computer desk. That’s what usually tips me off that he’s been watching it. He doesn’t usually clean up after himself.

I don’t like that he watches porn alone. I’ve asked that if anything, we watch stuff like that together, even if it doesn’t really get me in the mood. It’s a huge blow to my self esteem and my trust when I see that sort of thing. I don’t understand why he has to look at pictures and videos of other naked women to masturbate. I don’t look like those women, even remotely, so why would he be attracted to that?

It’s the same question guys ask themselves when they’re feeling insecure about our sex toys. I’m not like that so why does she need that? Of course, there are differences, but it hurts just the same. Maybe it’s irrational and unsexy, but it’s how I feel.

Posted in Rants

Tags: body image, married life, married sex, porn!

4 Comments »

New Foods

Posted by Sarahbear on August 10th, 2010

The other times I’ve tried to diet I attempted, very poorly, to cook some new foods. Things like salmon, asparagus and eggplant turned out to be completely disgusting. Now that I’ve learned some things about cooking, and I love it, I’ve found out that these foods can be delicious and still be healthy.

Today for lunch I prepared a modified version of this Eggplant Parmesan recipe. I brushed the eggplant with oil and minced garlic, baked it for about 15 minutes and then the magic started. I layered the slices on the bottom of the baking dish and sprinkled Parmesan cheese mixed with basil on it. Then, I sliced fresh Roma tomatoes and layered them on top of that. I was out of mozzarella so I subbed in some slices of provolone and some crumbled feta. On top of that I layered some baby spinach, drizzled about 1 tablespoon of olive oil over it and sprinkled the rest of the Parmesan/basil mixture. I baked that for about 20 minutes and oh….my….gawd, it was delicious.

The kids loved it and it wound up still being around 450 calories a serving. Perfect for a sensible lunch and very filling. I’ve gotta start taking pictures of all this stuff I’m making.

Posted in Just for Fun

Tags: body image, Food, yum!

1 Comment »

Redo

Posted by Sarahbear on August 9th, 2010

Remember how I had started working out back at the beginning of the year, lost a decent amount of weight and then got that horrendous 5-week-long period? Then I threw myself a pity party. Rockin made some good points and I took them into consideration. The next day I started exercising and watching what I ate. I’ve cut back to about 1400-1600 calories a day and am trying to get in at least 30 minutes of exercise. I purchased the Jillian Michaels Master Your Metabolism Cookbook, which has a lot of the recipes from her online program in it and more. This is kind of awesome because I loved those recipes. It keeps things varied so I don’t get bored with the food.

For exercise I’ve been riding the recumbent bike, doing exercise DVD’s and Shimmy from FitTV. One of the DVD’s is Jillian Michaels 30 day shred, which has 3 levels of 20 minute workouts split into strength, cardio and ab work. It’s motivating. After only 2 times of doing them I have noticed an improvement in my ability to do the exercises and my endurance.

I purchased some Cacique sports bras from Lane Bryant. It has made a huge difference. They were expensive, but when you’ve got boobs this big they need support. It’s easier to focus on working out when your breasts are not in pain. I picked up some clearance work out clothes from Old Navy too. I love their t-shirts because they can double as casual clothing and they’re great for working out. I like having fitted clothing to work out in because it feels better than loose clothing that bunches.

So far, I’ve lost about 4 lbs. A lot for week 1, but when you’ve got a lot to lose it comes off easier. I’m very, very pleased with my results. It feels good to have sore muscles. My energy has increased again and I already feel lighter. I joined myfitnesspal.com and it has helped a lot. It’s a free community with facebook/myspace style profiles where you can track your weight, calorie intake, exercise logs and all sorts of other stuff.

Happy Monday!

Created by MyFitnessPal – Free Calorie Counter

Posted in Just for Fun

Tags: body image

4 Comments »

On Jealousy

Posted by Sarahbear on August 3rd, 2010

There are times when I read things and have very mean thoughts. I am not a mean person, though I can be prodded and goaded into saying or doing hateful things at times, so it shocks me when these things cross my mind. I ask myself why on earth I would think something that mean and the answer is almost always jealousy.

I have been struggling to lose weight for over 8 years now. With my first pregnancy I gained 70 lbs. I was 145 lbs when I graduated high school in May of 2001. I got pregnant in October of 2001 (or thereabouts) and by the end of June 2002 I was 204 lbs. I managed to work off a lot of the weight, getting back down around 175 lbs, but by that time I found out I was pregnant again. Between gall bladder problems and gestational diabetes my weight fluctuated 30 or so lbs between pregnancies. Then after the birth of my fourth child I was sitting at about 240 lbs. I sat at home a few more years and I’m nearing 270 lbs, my highest weight ever. I was doing rather well with eating and exercise earlier this year and then I got a 5 week long period that made me so hungry and sleepy and I’ve since gained back most of the weight I lost.

It sucks.

Losing weight for me has always been hard, and I guess it is for a lot of people or we wouldn’t have a multi-billion dollar diet industry. When I start minding what I eat I become obsessive about the calories and I don’t think that’s a healthy way to think about food. I have no motivation to exercise, especially alone. Well, it’s more a matter of not wanting to exercise with the kids. If I pop in a DVD or turn on something from the DVR they come in and want to do it with me. There’s already very limited space in our bedroom for that sort of thing and I can’t focus on it when I’m trying to make sure I don’t knock one of the kids over or hit them in the head with a dumbbell.

Why is this titled ‘on jealousy’? Because when I see people who are a healthy weight complaining of the 5-10 lbs they want to lose it makes me seethe. I’m at least 100 lbs heavier than is healthy for my height and bone structure. I have started noticing the weight in the tightness of my clothing (that I just bought) and in the way I have trouble breathing when I lie flat on my back (specifically during sex). Sometimes I get winded doing basic things like cleaning the house or grocery shopping. I’ve always had a fairly proportionate figure, even with the added weight, but lately I’ve been noticing more bumps and rolls than I like. It’s becoming harder to squeeze into booths at restaurants and get up and down off the floor. It’s thoroughly embarrassing to admit this.

There are times I’ve toyed with the idea of weight loss surgery, but it’s an impossibility for us. For starters, our medical insurance does not cover weight related medical issues, period. No surgeries, no nutrition counselors, no medications. I also have strong aversions to the procedures because I feel you’re basically forcing your body into medically induced anorexia. The symptoms a lot of patients have are from losing weight too rapidly and I feel that is too dangerous, far more dangerous than the weight itself. I can not take pills because I have a terrible gag reflex. I would die of malnutrition if I was forced to get the majority of the nutrients I needed via supplements and pills. Yet when I see people I know who have had the surgery losing weight I get jealous and wish I could just go have surgery and drop 100 lbs in a year. Even despite seeing people like my aunt suffer some very negative side effects from her own gastric bypass.

I’m just jealous. I wish I could figure out something that would work for me. Not just for losing weight and toning up my body, because I realize that’s a matter of eating better and moving my body more, but something that would keep me motivated. I get easily discouraged, a slight gain or a bad body image day and I’m reduced to wanting to binge eat. The kids, who have learned what fat is, have made comments about me that send me to the bathroom crying, though I know they’re not trying to be mean or hateful. It’s going to take patience and persistence, because safe weight loss is hard, especially because I want to focus on toning areas up the entire time. I do not want to be left with the excess skin, which is another reason I do not want to have surgery.

Today I don’t have anything insightful or witty to say. This is just a post where I am feeling sorry for myself because I’m having a bad body image day.

Posted in Rants

Tags: body image, jealousy, sad, Sex and Intimacy, weight

7 Comments »

Always on His Mind

Posted by Sarahbear on June 24th, 2010

I’ve noticed a trend and it’s one I love. My husband loves to wrote stories. Since we began reviewing sex toys his stories are more sexual in nature. We had been exchanging stories via text message and on our own private blog for a while. Now he’s found an outlet on his own blog and submits his erotica to eLust whenever he can. He’s been participating in twitterotica with EdenFantasys and even fussed at me for not telling him there was such a contest. He even tweets about it when there isn’t a contest going on, just because he loves it.

And it’s fucking hot!

He’s got a way with words. I love reading anything he writes. I probably love reading it more than other people because I can see myself and our love life through his words. I mean, we talk a lot about our sex life. About our dreams, our wants, and our desires, but there is something about the way he tells a story that says so much more. The women he describes always have a resemblance to me, both in appearance and demeanor. The places they go are places we’ve gone or have talked about going. The things they do usually involve some aspect of our own sex life. Even when he was in the midst of an affair he was thinking of me, as crazy as that sounds. I’ve read the erotica he and The Whore shared and those stories weren’t about her. They were about me. Always. One of the stories in particular was about a night out. A woman with her hair curled in a lovely black dress and a trip to the restaurant.

He adores when I curl my hair. He always has. At the restaurant the woman ordered fried ravioli and stuffed chicken marsala, which is what I order every time we go eat at Olive Garden. When I read that story I slapped the shit out of him. I was angry. I saw a series of stories with personal details about me that he was attributing to her. Now that I’ve had time to heal and our relationship is better than ever I’ve realized that what he always wanted was me. It helps me on my bad days to think of that.

Yesterday he came home early from work to take me to the doctor. I had read his most recent story when I woke up that morning. We were going on a date after the appointment. Because of that story I curled my hair. When he walked in his jaw dropped, as expected, and he kept telling me how sexy I was all day. His hands stayed on my neck, fiddling with the curls. He asked if I had read his story and if that was why I curled my hair. I nodded. He said that all of his stories couldn’t feature a brunette with emerald green eyes. I just smiled because I know that no matter what he writes there will always be a piece of me in the stories.

I’m always on his mind.

Posted in Just for Fun

Tags: body image, fucking hot, I love my husband, married life

1 Comment »

Sunday: Weekly Wrap-It-Up #15

Posted by Sarahbear on June 20th, 2010

Chad’s been on vacation all week long. Thank goodness it worked out this way because I needed the help around the house. I’ve been pretty useless with the revisiting of my period. I finished the prescription of Provera last weekend and it’s back in full force. I’ve been having awful cramps, waking up in the middle of the night to shower and finding myself irritated by almost everything. I go back to the doctor this Wednesday so hopefully the tests he does will produce some answers.

It hasn’t been completely awful. Last weekend was my birthday and Chad grilled delicious steaks, chicken and ribs for an all day feast. He picked up an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen that fed my period cravings for most of the week too. It goes a little more quickly when you have seven people sharing it. I’ve been griping a lot about how great I was doing losing weight and eating well before I got my period in April. It’s damn near impossible to control my appetite. Even more difficult when I am anemic. I guess that’s one of the main things I’m hoping for with figuring out what’s going on with my body. If my hormones and cycles get regulated I can be more successful with better eating and exercise habits. It’s freaking hard to maintain when you wind up binging and sleeping for a month after 3 months of weight loss. And it’s discouraging because I gain back most of the weight too. I hope everything gets figured out and remedied soon. I don’t know how long my sanity will remain in tact if this keeps up much longer.

One good thing about bleeding is that when I have the energy for sex, the orgasms are amazing. I intended to take a picture of the throe yesterday because I squirted all over the place. I have figured out that I like the silky side better because you can really see what a mess you made. It makes me kind of proud. Despite a wonky AC yesterday, we managed to have some fantastic sex in a 94 degree house. It inspires today’s Song For Sunday “Dirrty” by Christina Aguilera featuring Redman.