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Posts Tagged ‘Love’

Justification and Accountability

Posted by Sarahbear on August 30th, 2010

You Know Better

I have been trying, for about 2 weeks now, to put together a post about monogamy. It’s been very frustrating that it hasn’t come together like I intended it to. I just got done reading another piece excusing deception, lying and cheating on your partner. It seems like that’s all I’ve been seeing lately, are posts trying to justify the actions and choices of the unfaithful. Some of them are based on scientific research that claims humans are not biologically designed to be monogamous, casting aside the fact that we’re more than just simple minded animals driven by our sexual urges and we’re fully capable of making the decision to commit to a single person for a lifetime. Some of them, like the post I just read, blame one partner for not holding up their end of the bargain, sexually, and claim that if a person’s sexual desires aren’t being met then they should be free to look elsewhere.

All of these things are true, to an extent, but there’s a huge fucking problem with this one-sided logic. Because we’re human beings and we have the capability to make choices, we can’t simply excuse away our negative behavior as some uncontrollable biological urge. We have the ability to predict the consequences of our actions and we know that if we choose to cheat on our partner that they’re going to be hurt.

The blog I just read talked about Dan Savage and his opinion on monogamous relationships:

– if you are in a relationship with someone where the sex was great in the beginning, if the person involved led you to believe that sex would be an ongoing piece of your relationship’s equation, and then suddenly the sex stops, then you have a biological and natural right to go get your needs met somewhere else.

While I agree with a lot of what he says, I believe this is absolutely, 100% wrong. You see, when you are in a committed, monogamous relationship with someone, you owe it to that person to exhaust all possible options before you get your needs met somewhere else. And that decision needs to be one your partner is involved in or that ends your monogamous relationship, not one that you make behind their back. Sex is almost always great in the beginning of a relationship. Then this little thing called life happens. People get job promotions, mortgages, bigger bills, kids, stress on top of stress on top of more stress and these things can have profound effects on the sex drive. Sometimes health problems, particularly hormonal ones, will pop up. Sometimes the medications to treat these health problems or the health issues themselves will cause a lack of sex drive. There are million and one reasons why the sex might not be as smokin’ hot as it was in the beginning of the relationship.

If you’re in a monogamous relationship you aren’t automatically entitled to hot, steamy sex. I don’t know how on earth we managed to encourage such an entitled generation of people, who believe that everything needs to come to them easily. Relationships and hot sex? They take work to maintain. If you aren’t getting what you want out of your relationship, talk to your partner, for fucks sake, y’all. How hard is that? If you find out that there are medical issues or stress that are interfering with things, figure out what the hell you can do to manage them. Share the burden. If that doesn’t work, for whatever reason, but both of you are trying really hard, that doesn’t give you the license to go get your needs met elsewhere. There are other ways to be intimate with your partner and there is a huge sex toy industry. Seriously, check out my banner links and you can see just a hint of what’s out there to spice things up. Masturbation can even be done with your partner present and it might spark a new fetish for you.

If nothing else is working for you, you can talk to your partner about opening up your relationship so that you can get your sexual fulfillment from somewhere else. This still is going to require communication and honesty and boundaries, but if it works for you that’s great. Otherwise you should simply end things with your partner, if you absolutely can not find a solution to what you’re missing in your relationship. But under no circumstances should you ever, ever cheat on your partner.

Lying and deception is wrong. There is nothing you can say that will justify doing things to someone you’ve promised to be in a committed relationship with. If you’re going to lie, cheat and deceive your partner, accept responsibility for the choice you made to do so. Don’t make up some half-cocked excuse about human biology and your sexual needs. If you’re going to (knowingly) participate in an affair with someone who is suppose to be in a committed monogamous relationship, fucking own it. Don’t paint yourself as some god damn philanthropist because you helped them realize what they were missing in their life and helped them file for the divorce they didn’t have the balls to ask for. What you did is not right. Not in any way, shape or form. It was wrong and you need to be accountable for the wrong choices you make instead of making excuses and justifying what you did.

But we don’t like to admit when we make a wrong move, do we? We don’t want to be responsible for the choices we make. We want to point our fingers at everyone else. It makes us feel kinda icky when we have to admit that what we did wasn’t right. So we try and try and try to blame the society we live in for having outdated morals and traditions that they try to force on us. Like there is something wrong with expecting people to be decent human beings and have respect for each other by not lying to people. If you’re incapable of having enough empathy for your fellow man, then it makes you a shitty human being. It’s time you started coming to terms with that.

Posted in Rants

Tags: infedelity, Love, married life, married sex, Rants, Sex, Sex and Intimacy

8 Comments »

Sarah’s Got Her Groove Back!

Posted by Sarahbear on August 27th, 2010

Last week must have been a fluke. Things are going well, as far as my weight loss and body are concerned. There’s some family illness going on right now, but things look like they’ll be fine on that front.

I may not have lost any weight this week, but I measured myself this morning and I’ve lost a total of 7.5 inches in the last 3 weeks (from the areas I measure on my body). 3 of them? Came off my hips! I’ve lost a few stray inches from my bust, thighs and calves as well. I was feeling a bit down because the scale has gone up and down this week, but I haven’t lost any more pounds. Then to find out about the inches and to notice the difference in the mirror has been a big pick-me-up.

Chad’s so silly. He told me he could really tell a difference in my face with the weight loss, already, and then he asked what sort of exercises you do to make your face skinny. He proceeded to make really silly faces and count and breath until I was laughing and rolling my eyes. He? Has lost 15 lbs himself. His pants are falling off of him! We’re both doing very well with our eating habits and we’ve started taking walks in the evenings on top of any other exercise we do during the day. It’s nice to get out of the house and spend that time together.

In other news, my vagina is working again. I’m going to assume that it was my birth control. I was finally able to get my GYN to fax in the prescription for the generic and get it filled. Two days of taking it and I’m a new woman. I did a take-two on the sexy lingerie (which I’ll be reviewing soon enough). There’s some back story I need to tell so there may be an HNT or WW with it soon too. There was no trouble with wetness and I felt everything and was able to have a very relaxing orgasm. Usually, orgasms make me wide awake but last night I passed out afterward.

I hope the weekend is awesome.

Posted in Just for Fun

Tags: body image, I love my husband, Love, married life, married sex

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Sunday Weekly Wrap-It-Up #21

Posted by Sarahbear on August 22nd, 2010

I can’t believe I didn’t write anything this week. I started a few things but the words just weren’t coming out like I wanted. I have inspiration for a few posts and I’ve got some reviews to get done. It’s been particularly busy here with only a week left until school starts. We’ve had to get the kids to the doctor to get shots and screenings, shop for supplies and I’m still focusing on eating good things and exercising. Perhaps it will slow down once the kids are in school and I’m left to deal with just the youngest most days. She’s easy to please.

I’m trying to read Half-Blood Prince but I think I keep putting it off because I don’t want to read about how Snape has been bad all along. I’m reading a chapter or two at a time, really slowly pacing myself through this book. If I sat down I’d have it read in under a day. I’ve been playing a little bit of WoW with Chad. We thought we’d piddle with new characters for a bit and see how we still liked the game. We’re still unsure about whether or not we’ll be buying the expansion when it’s released. It’s kind of a time sink, even when we’re only playing an hour or two a couple times a week. My game time ran out (or at least it should have) yesterday, so it will be a couple weeks without it. If I even decide to buy a new game card on pay day.

I went to purchase my first prescription of birth control and found out the one I was on is $70 a month. Certainly not something I can afford. I almost cried in the store because my periods and hormones finally feel regulated. I’ve been on Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo for two months and things were going so well. There are supposedly generics for it, but the pharmacist said I had to call my doctor and have them call in a new prescription for them because they couldn’t change anything on their own. I called my OB/GYN and the nurse said she would call it in. We went to pick it up and the pharmacist said nothing had been done. So, I have to wait until tomorrow to call them back and see what’s up. I hope they can get it sorted out so that I can start the next pack before it wreaks havoc on my body and disrupts my weight loss progress.

I managed to maintain my weight through my period. I didn’t binge on foods like I usually do. I did feel a need for red meat twice and then another need for some peanut butter. I had ice cream with reese pieces a few times, but it was a small portion and I stayed close to my calorie goals. I’ve even lost 2 more lbs in the day or two since my period ended! I also lost 1.5″ off my hips! I’m going to be spacing my weigh ins and measurements out to weekly or bi-weekly so that I don’t feel like I’m obsessing over the numbers. I start comparing the numbers to other things and lose motivation. Like, I still only have one pair of pants that fits me the way I like. That was a little disappointing. We went to see Vampires Suck and I was trying on clothes and not being satisfied with how anything looked. Chad finally told me I looked great and I needed to stop being so hard on myself and we had a really fun time. We actually met a friend at the store where we were picking up healthier munchies than what we could purchase at the theater and he went with us. We should do stuff like that more often.

Speaking of motivation, I ordered $200 worth of lingerie, a size down, and it should be here Tuesday. I got a 30% coupon and plenty of gift cards so I didn’t actually spend any money on it, so that was awesome. We’ll actually have a lot of stuff to do Tuesday, considering the boys new bedroom set will be here and I’ll be working on organizing their stuff. It’s gonna be a busy week.

Posted in Sunday Wrap-It-Up

Tags: body image, Love, married life

4 Comments »

Someone I Wish I Could Forgive

Posted by Sarahbear on August 7th, 2010

Self,

You have done some terrible things in the past. You’ve lied, cheated and said things to intentionally hurt others. The people you’ve wronged have long since forgiven you for the things you did, so why do you hold onto these things? Allow yourself to feel pain for the wrongs done to you instead of telling yourself you deserve it for all the things you’ve done in your past. Everyone makes mistakes. You won’t ever be able to go back and undo those things, so it’s your job to simply learn from them and know that you should never do them again. Even though you can’t change them, you can make-up for them by showing the ones you love that you have learned from them.

Forgive yourself.

-Me

Posted in Just for Fun

Tags: letters, Love

1 Comment »

Someone You Hate

Posted by Sarahbear on August 6th, 2010

Surprise

Today’s letter is suppose to be for someone I hate or someone who has caused me a lot of pain. This person is both.

Jess,

Surprise, right? I hate the woman my husband had an affair with. Where do I begin?

I guess first I should say that what hurts the most is the things you’ve tainted. The little things that I deal with daily that cause a stray thought to spiral into a memory of what happened last September. Of course, as time passes those memories are becoming easier to dismiss and are happening less frequently, but there are still things I liked and enjoyed that I can not experience now because of you and Chad’s choices. I think it’s highly unfair that I have to suffer with these painful memories on a regular basis while you get to go on with your life, as if nothing ever happened. You don’t know or care about all of the damage you did. It’s like you came in with a wrecking ball, destroyed everything and then went back to your marriage like it didn’t matter. Chad and I were rocked to the very foundation of our marriage and we have been repairing that and rebuilding it all, brick by brick.

I still have questions lingering in my mind that only you can answer. Mostly why? What made you want him, knowing he has a wife and four kids? What made you think it was okay? What made you think you deserved to maintain a relationship with him after I found out and sneak around behind all the blocks I set up to talk with him? Why are you so arrogant and entitled? What makes you believe you didn’t deserve every ounce of hate and every hateful thing I said towards you? You’re 30 years old, surely you know what happens when the wife finds out about the affair by now. Do you honestly believe you shoulder no responsibility for the hell I’ve gone through in the last year? What was wrong with your marriage and why didn’t you try fixing that instead of going after Chad? Why did you continue to post under the name Colynna, which was created to post on your secret blog? Why did you keep that blog up for so long after he ended things with you? Is this story about Chad? Because it sure seems like it.

Seriously, I’d love you to answer some of these questions. Comments are moderated and my e-mail is in the side bar.

What did it feel like to find out that he never wore his Eternity Cuff when he was with me? To know that he let me take it off and throw it in the garbage, where it belonged, after it was over? I doubt it hurt you or caused you even a fraction of the pain the entire affair caused me.

Mostly, I’d love to thank you. Weird, right? Me thanking someone I hate. Well, I don’t deal in absolutes. I don’t believe that everything is either good or bad, people and situations. Your calculated attempts to drive a wedge between my husband and I (and let’s face it, polyamory was the last thing on your mind or else you wouldn’t have needed to remind Chad that I didn’t appreciate him enough or tell him how jealous you were that he spent time with me) actually fixed the problems we had in our marriage. It was a huge wake up call for us both. We realized we’d been simply going through the motions, that we’d let our love slip off to the side so we could deal with this silly thing called life. We’ve been repairing our marriage since last September. We make sure we let each other know how much we appreciate each other. We spend time together, a lot, date nights once a week usually. We talk more. We have more sex and it’s so awesome now. We love each other more now than we did when we got married.

And we have you to thank for that. if you hadn’t weaseled your way into our lives, we might still be letting life pass us by as we grew further and further apart. See? Even something as terrible as an affair can have it’s perks. What goes around, comes around and no good deed goes unpunished. I’m sure you’ll get your chance to experience exactly what you put me through and I hope it comes around ten-fold. But I also hope that when it does, you’ll use it as a learning experience, the way Chad and I have. That you won’t let it destroy you or your marriage.

I guess I don’t actually hate you, but it has nothing to do with anything you’ve done. I can’t harbor that kind of hatred in my heart without it damaging who I am. Slowly but surely, I’m moving past these events. I’m learning to let go of these feelings and I’m working towards the day when I can forgive you completely (though that certainly doesn’t mean we will ever be friends again).

Thanks,

Sarah

Posted in Rants

Tags: I love my husband, letters, Love, married life, the affairs

1 Comment »

A Deceased Person

Posted by Sarahbear on August 5th, 2010

I have been fortunate to have family members who live long, happy lives. I actually haven’t had to experience very many deaths in my 27 years. There was one person, a woman who I went to church with, who died suddenly and I didn’t get to attend her funeral to say goodbye.

Mrs. Hickey,

Many of my grandmothers friends are people I developed a bond with. Some are stronger than others, but I remember all of you. I remember you because you taught us teenage girls in Acteens and you were my grandmothers Sunday School teacher for a long time. Every time I traveled home for visits I would ask my grandmother how people were doing. Then one time, I came home for a visit and asked about you and my grandmother got quiet. She told me that you had passed away a few months prior after a short battle with pancreatic cancer. I was so sad. You were so young! You had so much more life to live.

I didn’t know what to say. I wished I could have been around or that I would have known about your funeral. I know it wouldn’t have changed the outcome of things, that the cancer was too far advanced and there was nothing that anyone could do, but I just would have liked to have said goodbye to a wonderful woman. To let you know that you made an impact on my life. The patience you had with everything, in waiting so long for your husband to come to church with you. That’s right. I remember that talk with us girls, when you were tearing up as you described how it made you feel when other women’s husbands were there in church with them, their arm around their shoulder. The forgiveness and dedication you showed when you continued attending church instead of resenting everyone who shamed your teenage daughter, making an example out of her for her pregnancy. It touched me that you shared those things with us. You led us by setting a good example and showing us what determination could achieve.

I miss you,

Sarah

Posted in Just for Fun

Tags: letters, Love

3 Comments »

Just Another Mild Monday

Posted by Sarahbear on August 2nd, 2010

We’ve made it back from the weekend trip safe and sound. It was actually a lot of fun. The children were all well-behaved for the ride down to Chad’s granny’s. It’s nearly 4 hours long and we stopped at Ruby Tuesday’s to eat lunch, but they were good. I spent most of the drive trying to finish Order of the Phoenix. That is one long book! I still have 100 pages left. Time flew during the drive while my nose was stuck in between the pages. I read faster when I’m home, in the quiet, than when I’m riding. The music is distracting and I had to look up, losing my place, a few times to remind Chad of where to go or answer questions from the kids. I’ll be able to start Half-Blood Prince very soon though, and I can not wait.

Chad’s granny is tired. She just seems like she’s completely worn out. She’s had a tough road since before Chad and I got married. She’s been the sole caretaker of her sick husband since before I came around. He’s bedridden due to botched back surgeries and morphine drawing up his limbs. They’re both in their late 80′s. One of Chad’s aunts has moved in to start helping more, but it’s still a physically and mentally exhausting job. Especially when you’ve got a hard job in the restaurant business, you’re looking after your grandchildren while their parents work and you’ve got to help take care of your daddy. Learning those things was kind of saddening, but the visit was still alright.

After we left there we headed to my nana’s house to check on her. Her knee is so red and swollen. I told her it looks like the infection isn’t going away. My mom says it looks better, but I’m a bit worried. My grandma says she hasn’t had much pain at all since she’s been home and she’s happy. She’s just bored of having to sit around so much. She said if it wasn’t so hot outside she would use her walker on the sidewalks. I might tell my mom to look for an indoor gym or something to take her too, where it’s cool and she can work that knee. She’s already trying to get around without the walker and I am hoping she doesn’t over do it.

We made my brother look after the kids so we could head to Chilis for a meal. I had a couple of delicious margaritas. I was suppose to eat with Steffers but she wasn’t able to make it, sadly. Though my uncle did ask me where his sex toys were as soon as I got out the car and started telling me that N told on him. I gave him a funny look and asked if N’s nickname was P and he said it was. Ah, Steffers husband. Yes… “He told on you. Your secret is out!”. Thanks N! =p

Then we stopped by the store to pick up a couple of things for my grandma and headed back to her house. I got to spend a good hour or so in her room just talking with her and my mom. That doesn’t happen often. Her knee has her held captive now, where she can’t be so busy.

The ride home was pretty fun, aside from having to remind the two older boys that seat belts are mandatory. Chad and I spent our drive flipping through stations and listening to good music we haven’t heard in a while. Nothing like some Matchbox 20 and GooGoo Dolls to take us back to high school or some Joe “I Wanna Know” to remind us of the sexy nights we spent in his Chevy Lumina while we were dating. We also heard a couple of new songs that we liked. Sex Room, cause Ludacris is one of my favorites, followed by Usher There Goes My Baby (which I give less than a week before Chad makes it my ringtone). It’s the little things, ya know?

And…since technically I heard this song last night and it was Sunday, that’s what I’m making this weeks “Song for Sunday”

Posted in Just for Fun

Tags: family, I love my husband, Love, married life, Song For Sunday

2 Comments »

Your Dreams

Posted by Sarahbear on July 28th, 2010

Dear Dreams,

You probably already know that I have never been a terribly ambitious person. I think it’s partly due to my laid back attitude about everything. I do know that I always wanted a family, and I’ve got a wonderful husband and four beautiful children. I hope to make my family as happy as they make me, ultimately. This is my most intense hope.

I’ve considered getting some college training in the medical field, maybe nursing or becoming a physician’s assistant. Maybe in psychology. I’ve considered becoming a teacher. I’ve even considered becoming a cosmetologist and an interior designer. Maybe, some day, I will. Maybe not. I can’t decide because I fear it would take up too much time away from my family. I’m also hesitant because of the economy. I see no point in paying off college debt for an education I may never be able to use when I would be just as happy going back to my retail job.

See? I’m easy to please.

I’ve dreamed of losing weight, for years. While I’ve accepted my body and how pregnancy has changed it, I’m still not happy with it. I don’t recognize myself in the mirror sometimes. I want to get to a place where we’re financially capable of maintaining a diet and exercise plan. This should be doable by the time K starts school. I’ll have time during the day to do what I need to do, uninterrupted by the needs of the children.

I want to travel to beautiful places with my husband and occasionally the children. We’ve taken a few trips, but I have more places I’d love to visit. Some I refuse to visit until I’ve lost some weight because I want to feel beautiful in a bathing suit on the lovely beaches in those places. If I am unable to lose and maintain a lower weight, I hope that I do not let it hold me back from experiencing such beautiful locations.

I hope that I am able to pursue more of the hobbies I enjoy. I’d like to sew some quilts, take some beautiful pictures, read many more books…

I hope that I raise happy children who look back fondly on their lives. Who feel comfortable coming to me when they need to talk, need advice or need help. Who feel free to live their lives the way they want to without fear of judgement. I hope I leave them with the ability to be compassionate and realistic, to look for the good in everyone, just like my grandmother taught me. I hope that they define their own success instead of feeling the need to live up to others ideas about it.

I hope my husband and I are always as passionate as we are today. That we never grow apart in our age and as we empty our nest. That we never hurt each other the way that we have in the past. I hope that we can experience grandchildren, even great-grandchildren. I hope that we are never without each other.

So dreams, I hope you can see where my priorities are. I hope that you will help me continue to love my family for a long time…

and maybe throw in a few of those other things.

-Sarah

Posted in Just for Fun

Tags: family, letters, Love

No Comments »

Your Sibling

Posted by Sarahbear on July 27th, 2010

Day 4 is a letter to your sibling. I’ve got 8 siblings amongst the marriages and such. Somehow my closest sibling wound up being my youngest step-sister. She reads my blog and I’ve sent her the letter to read too.

Kimbolina,

Right after Chad, you’re my best friend. I’m not quite sure how we ended up where we are. You would think that us being step-sisters and having an 8 year age difference, me being the oldest and you being the youngest, that we wouldn’t have wound up the closest of our 7 siblings. Somehow, though, the universe saw it right to give us the kind of bond that no one can break. Not the adults in our lives who constantly tried to plant seeds of hatred between the step-siblings, not the siblings who were jealous of our closeness and not even fighting amongst ourselves because we had our heads stuck so far up our behinds.

I’m glad you have developed such a great bond with my children. The truly adore you. I can only hope that we live close enough when your kids are born that your kids will love Aunt Sarah as much as mine love Aunt Kim. You help me, more than you know, with keeping up the house and keeping the kids in line. I get overwhelmed with the work load so frequently, which I guess is understandable when you’re keeping up with 7 people, but you step in when I start looking like I can’t take it anymore and give me a break. I love having you close by and being a babysitter I can trust with the kids. It’s one less worry on my mind.

I love talking to you, laughing with you and watching you grow into a young adult. You are making such great decisions and you’ve kept a level head. I’m glad we have the same taste in movies, books and music so we can enjoy those things together. I think it’s so fun and awesome that people think we’re twins and that you have passed, multiple times, for E‘s mom so you could handle some of the issues his teacher wanted to talk about.

I’m glad that we can build each other up after people, like our mom, open their mouths and say things about our weight that hurt us. I know it bothers you as much as it bothers me, and it’s nice to have that sounding board to rant to about our frustrations. You exude a confidence that makes me jealous at times. It took me a long time to accept my body the way it is and you have helped in that, a lot. You are a major part of my support system and I would be lost without you.

I love you and appreciate you, so much more than you know.

Love,
Sarah

Posted in Just for Fun

Tags: family, fun, Love

1 Comment »

“Your Parents”

Posted by Sarahbear on July 26th, 2010

I began writing my 30 days of letters yesterday. The first letter was to be to your best friend and the second to your crush/boyfriend. Chad is my best friend and my spouse so I combined a letter to him for both days. If he wants to share it he can, on his blog. Day 3 is to your parents. I was raised, mostly, by my grandparents. Specifically my grandmother. And so, I’ve decided this letter would be for her. I’ve handwritten her a copy and put it in the mail.

I mentioned before that I felt the project was meant to tell the people on the list the things you needed to tell them. This is a letter I am comfortable posting on my blog. We don’t thank the people in our lives enough for the things they do. So, here it goes.

Dear Nana,

I started this project called ’30 days of letters’. Each day you write to a person on a list and tell them whatever is on your heart. Day 1 starts with your best friend, day 2 is your spouse and day 3 is your parents. Considering you are responsible for the majority of my rearing, I decided that this letter belonged to you.

I want you to know how grateful I am that you were around for me when no one else was. You had the single, biggest impact on the person I am today. I am glad you showed me how to be humble, thankful and grateful. You taught me how to be an optimistic person while also teaching me to be realistic. To look for the good in people and to accept them just as they are. Because of your influence I am able to forgive people who have wronged me, to move forward with my life and not dwell on things while feeling sorry for myself and holding grudges.

You taught me how to budget money. It may not have seemed like I was paying attention at the time, but your grocery shopping advice has gotten us through some tight spots. You taught me how to take care of our clothes and how to love cooking. You taught me to love my babies unconditionally.

I appreciate all of the sacrifices you made for me. After raising your six kids, you opened your heart and your home to many of your grandkids. You spent your free time shuttling me around to church, flag practice, football games and friends houses. You set aside money and helped me participate in a lot of things we really could not afford.

You instilled in me a love of reading and crafty hobbies. You taught me to be considerate and thoughtful, particularly when choosing gifts for people. You gave me stability, a church family and because of that, many of the friendships I hold dear today.

You were my soft place to land.

I truly appreciate everything you have done for me. Everything that turned me into the person I am today. You are the strongest, most incredible woman in my life and I love you dearly.

Love you so much,

Sarah

I’m hoping this letter encourages her quick recovery from her knee replacement and keeps her in good spirits through the tough physical therapy. We really should make more time to talk to people and communicate like this.