or should I say "If I only had a penis..."

Very recently, several sex bloggers, sex toy reviewers and I voiced our disagreement with something. Some people understand why we feel that way, but disagree, which I can respect. Others, rather than consider that our opinions were formed based on careful, thoughtful consideration of the events that have unfolded, choose to be dismissive. Our decisions on the matter have been categorized as melodramatic hyperbole, as cliquish high school behavior, as unworthy of being taken seriously. It does not matter what the situation is that we’re currently upset about, these people consistently make these sorts of accusations to anyone agreeing with a few of the more “popular” sex bloggers.

Isn’t it oddly coincidental that these same accusers are also males and females who have previously demonstrated very misogynistic behavior? I’ve not heard tale of anyone dismissing any of these people’s opinions as catty, emotional, or childish. No one questions their motives or maturity level. They are simply taken at their word, even when they fully admit they have absolutely no knowledge of the situation they’re stating their opinion about. Meanwhile those of us who have done our research and cited evidence for others to consider and made valid points get haughtily ignored by these people, who by their own admission, have no idea what the fuck they are talking about. Yet they get their delicate little assholes licked by their adoring fans. As they click their tongues at us for “spreading negativity and drama” they hypocritically respond to forum posts and write their own blogs full of their uninformed opinions, tweeting at each other the sweet nothings that keep their dicks hard.

Perhaps, if I only had a penis, I too would get my balls cradled in the hands of my readers as they lovingly stroked and sucked my shaft. I could spew my oblivious mental diarrhea onto the pages as my audience lapped it up like it was the sweetest semen they ever tasted.

…but I have a vulva so I will continue to have to work harder, speak louder, and try to remain ‘calm’ enough for people to take my educated opinions seriously.

If you have to qualify your statement with “I don’t really know much about x”, then perhaps you should not have an opinion about x. -Sarahbear

A gorgeous cover.

April’s book choice is The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti. I read it today after reading Britni’s review of it. I had intended to pick it up earlier this month but our local library doesn’t have much of a selection and I was a bit busy with projects around the house. It slipped my mind. It was a good book, overall, but there are a few things that struck me the wrong way. Especially in the beginning of the book. In fact, there were several points throughout the book that were teetering on the edge of objectivity. I understand that the writer has an agenda, but it puts a bad taste in the reader’s mouth when you come off as judgmental towards something they live (or have lived). You don’t want to put your audience on the defensive from the get go. I am glad I continued reading, after I was offended, because the author had some really great things to say.

I grew up in a Southern Baptist home, so a lot of the things talked about were things I actually experienced. I pledged my (born-again) virginity to my future husband at a True Love Waits ceremony at my church and wore a solid gold band around my ring finger while I was in high school to symbolize this commitment. I’ve got quite a bit to say about how that experience and my upbringing in the church colored my sex life until now, but that’s for another blog. The beginning of the book was quite repetitive and preachy (ha!) and the author backed up their opinions by citing various radical things that the most extreme examples of things done by the Southern Baptist Convention and Focus on the Family.

I appreciated the way she tied in rape culture, misogyny, porn and gender roles into the book. She did an excellent job of explaining how putting virginity on a pedestal related to various aspects of our current society. Reading the book has given me a better understanding of all of those things. As strange as it may sound, it made me feel normal and better about myself and my sexuality. Perhaps that was one point of the book. The way she talked about how idealized and sexualized youth and purity was somehow comforted me about my post-child birth, aging body. I’m really glad I took the time to read it.

If you read the book or have anything to say about it you should head over to Britni’s blog. That’s where the discussion is being held this month. It’s easier to have the discussion in one place instead of trying to follow them on all the different blogs that reviewed the book.

You can read Alana’s review here.

A couple of nights ago I visited a website that was shared via a twitter link. At first I thought it would surely be a feminist, sex positive, body positive place. Even the slogan seemed pro-woman “I have a vagina and I’m not afraid to use it.” Unfortunately, once I read the article that had been linked on twitter my opinion of the site started to change. Then I browsed some of the other articles by that writer, and it changed a little more. After reading some of the stuff by the other writers I decided that it was one of the least progressive sites I’ve ever visited.

I literally could not believe some of the sexist, discriminatory, homophobic and body shaming crap that I was seeing. All of which, when contested, was met with ‘Ugh, you guys have no sense of humor. This is totally just sarcasm and humor. You really need to get over yourselves.’

I gave it a day to cool off. I wanted to give myself and the writers on the site the opportunity to step away from they keyboard and really think about the article and it’s response, instead of reacting to it.

I guess I should explain a little more about what was going on. It’s a firestorm over there with the article and about 140 comments. I know not everyone will want to wade through all of that.

The article that started it all was about a writer who has named herself ‘The Kinky Jew’. Judging by her articles, this is probably because she thinks it sounds cute and not because she’s actually kinky. She figures if the bisexuals can misuse labels, she can too!

She wrote an article entitled “Squirting Vaginas Freak Me Out“. Throughout the article she discussed how she was upset that she had to compete with today’s modern, prettier and more sexually experienced porn stars. Specifically the squirting ones, proclaiming that there’s just no way to get away from it because it’s all over mainstream porn. She goes on to talk about how gross and icky and ew squirting is, wondering why men would even be attracted to such disgusting things, ending the article with “Are you a squirter? Does it turn you on? If so, dear G-D… why?“.

Offended sex-positive bloggers, squirters and readers left their comments attempting to tell the author of the article why it was offensive. The authoer, site owner and loyal readers responded with defensive comments about freedom of speech and opinions, eventually comparing squirting to scat play and other sexual fetishes.

And finally, the purpose for me writing this blog:

I get that squirting isn’t something people are use to. It’s new. It’s different. Some people are going to be turned off by it. What saddens me is the reason why people aren’t use to it and it turns them off.

Sex and porn in general have not focused on a woman’s pleasure for a long damn time. Yes, the women in porn are moaning and faking orgasms, but it was focusing on the man’s pleasure. Stroking their ego by letting them know they could please a woman. Performing positions that presented the woman’s body sexily, but weren’t necessarily pleasurable for the woman.

Women have been taught for years that we should be ashamed of our bodies, especially our vulva. We should douche and use feminine deodorant sprays because the natural odor might be unpleasant, even though our vagina is self cleaning and we could get bacterial infections from using those products. We menstruate. There are religious texts that detail how unclean a woman is while she’s on her period and how no one should be near her. People get grossed out when I tell them I use a Diva Cup. Disgusted at the thought of someone holding a cup of their own menses.

We have been shamed for having sex drives. We should be ready and willing to have sex if our spouse wants it, but we shouldn’t have dirty, filthy urges like that. If we have sex before marriage or with more than a few partners we’re whores. Nearly half of the female population has never even experienced an orgasm, let alone a squirting one. With sex toy manufacturers, authors, porn directors and doctors focusing on female orgasms, we’re learning more about our bodies. We’re becoming more comfortable in our own skin. We’re learning how to pleasure ourselves.

We’re learning how to squirt! There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s just not something everyone is familiar with, or is even interested in, but that doesn’t make it gross.

What pissed me off was the incredibly sexist tone of the entire article and many of the comments. Saying things like:

“I’m glad that squirting has gotten a good rap as of late, but I’m disgusted that women are trying to TEACH themselves how to squirt. Can’t we puddle-making freaks of nature have something that’s solely ours?”

Some of us have to teach ourselves how to squirt and have different types of orgasms. We have to learn to relax and allow our bodies to do what they do when we orgasm. Women who squirt are not ‘puddle-making freaks’ anymore than men who ejaculate are.

“I am not a prude but I don’t favor anal sex and find it rather strange that people enjoy it”

“I’m freaked out by BDSM. I don’t feel unfortunate. Feet play disgusts me. I don’t feel unfortunate. I loooove to gush all over my bedding. I feel fortunate.”

“Certain biological functions ARE gross, but according to some of the commenters here, if I say doody-play is a total gross out (I don’t know the “official” terms for this but I’m sure SOMEONE finds it a turn-on), do I also risk the wrath of the haters coming down on me for being closed minded?”

“”Are you a squirter? Does it turn you on? If so, dear G-D… why?”
I’m really.. truly sorry for any of you who can’t hear the sillyness in her question.. let’s try this..
“Do you smear shit all over yours and your partners body during foreplay? Does it turn you on? Geezus! I am so grossed OUT by that! Why would you do that? ””

Like I said in my final comment on the piece. The act of squirting is not a fetish, it’s a natural response to a certain type of female orgasm. Similar to men ejaculating when they orgasm. No one over there was comparing a man busting his nut all over a woman’s face (or tits or ass…which is all over mainstream porn) to him smearing shit all over her. It is very fucking offensive to have my ejaculate compared to feces. It’s sexist.

The rest of the comments have been the same few commenters rephrasing everything they said in a vain attempt to help the other side get it. This won’t happen. The author of the article has made it clear to the commenters that she has no remorse about the article, defending it as just her opinion, ending every response with a childish dig at the commenters about boosting her sites visibility.

Her solution: If you don’t like what she’s posting, why are you reading it?

The problem with the ‘just go read something else’ solution is that her sexist, phobic, misinformation is being fed to her loyal readers and people who may come across the site in the future. Perhaps they don’t mind, but I do. I don’t like that a blog site promoting itself as sex-positive and body-positive is just the opposite. It’s misleading. That type of dialog is what continues to make women ashamed of their bodies. Nobody likes to be considered a freak. The idea of sex blogging and sex communities is to create a place where it is safe to talk about the things that turn us on. To have a group of people we can turn to when we need advice about sex and to learn about things we might be interested in sexually. This is not possible when members of the community speak negatively towards certain groups of people about the types of things they enjoy.

You know what you can do if you think something just isn’t for you? Don’t fucking talk about it on your blog. That makes a whole hell of a lot more sense than asking people not to read what you put up on the internet. If you’ve got legitimate questions about a topic, I’m sure you can find plenty of blogs that will discuss it positively or at least objectively or you can ask questions in public forums.

I’ve got to start preparing food for Thanksgiving and getting the house picked up. Hopefully this has served as more than a rant.